ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: In this cartoon, a Pharisee poses the infamous tax question and Jesus poses His infamous answer (from Matthew 22:15-22). The Pharisee then ponders. "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's," means they should pay the coins made in Caesar's image to Caesar. That's logical. But the Pharisee wonders about the next part: "Render unto God what is God's." He wonders aloud, "But what's made in GOD'S image?" The second Pharisee behind him remembers Genesis 1:26 and pieces it together: Jesus is implying that humans, being made in God's image, should devote themselves to God -- a calling much more consequential than earthly taxes. This isn't groundbreaking theology, but it IS a poetic reminder of mankind's connection and duty to their Creator, which should be of more concern to the Jews than their taxes. This whole thing sends the Pharisee spiraling when all he wanted to do was talk about taxes and ruin Jesus's career. Better luck next time, friend!

ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: In this cartoon, we see a portion of the Parable of the Wedding Feast (Matthew 22:1-7). The servants issue their invitation, asking for everyone to "R.S.V.P." In American English, this is an acronym that stands for "Répondez S'il Vous Plaît" (or "Respond, Please" in even Americaner English). For important occasions, the acronym is added to invitations as a call to action for recipients to respond so the host knows how many people are actually attending. In this cartoon, two townsfolk muse over the acronym and interpret it incorrectly, setting off the parable's gruesome turn. This would be hilarious AND whimsical, if not for the fact that it immediately precedes fictional bloodshed. Well... maybe it's still a little funny anyway.

ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: In this cartoon, we zoom into the first verse of the Parable of the Tenants (Matthew 21:33-46), where the story is set up. The landowner prepares the vineyard, then declares that he's going to lease it out. However, while, in the Bible, he leases it out to "tenants" (human renters), in the cartoon, he leases it out to "ten ants" (10 insects). "Tenants" and "ten ants" have all the same letters, but "tenants" is all one word, while "ten ants" has a space between "ten" and "ants" transforming the meaning completely. This is, as dictated by all the greatest scholars and mystics, a "sick pun, yo," and quite hilarious.

ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: In this cartoon, a young Jesus is coming up with the Parable of the Two Sons (Matthew 21:28-32) for the first time. He presents it as a play with little puppets and props for "Papa Joe" (St. Joseph), who explains the moral of the parable back to Jesus to show he gets it. But when he says the word "prostitute," young Jesus asks Joseph what that is. Of course, in His divine nature, Jesus knows all things, but in His human nature, He's just a child, so Joseph worries that he's said something inappropriate, provoking an awkward question from his Son. He tells Jesus to ask His other parent to explain (a common parenting tactic when face with awkward questions), but instead of sending Him to His mother, Mary, Joseph (His EARTHLY father) sends Him to God (His HEAVENLY Father).

ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: The cartoon is based on the Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16). In this cartoon, we find one of the full-day workers complaining to the landowner about the wage discrepancy, just like in the parable. Also like in the parable, the landowner defends himself, saying he paid the full-day workers what they were promised, so they have no right to complain if he was extra generous to other workers. After all, it's his money, isn't it? He can do what he likes. The cartoon version of the landowner then demonstrates this by gifting FIVE days' wages to the nearest Cockney orphan he can find. The orphan thanks the landowner in his weird, fictional accent (like the one they use in that amusement park island across the Atlantic), and begins eating the money as if he has no clue what it is. The worker looks on in frustrated horror, and the landowner's logic remains as alien to him as ever.

ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: In this cartoon, we just take some time to savor the first part of the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:23-35) and the immensity of the servant's debt. Some Bibles translate the debts in the story as "a huge amount" and "a much smaller amount," respectively, instead of using the literal numbers, but I think that misses the comedy of comparing 60 MILLION denarii and a mere 100. Also, the servant is much more flippant here than in the parable. It's funny to imagine a guy who owes 60 MILLION DAYS' WAGES using phrases like, "Aw, shucks, I musta lost track," or, "Yeah, my wife says I need to write down a budget," or, "Guess I gotta cut back on the fast food, huh?" as if he wasted a single paycheck on McDonalds and didn't blow -- once again for those who arrived late -- 164-THOUSAND-YEARS-WORTH OF MONEY.

ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: 1. In Matthew 18, Jesus gives a famous line while telling His apostles about the Church He's forming: "Where two or more are gathered in My Name, there am I in the midst of them." 2. In Mark 6, Jesus sends His apostles out in pairs to preach and cast out demons in His Name. 3. In this cartoon, John takes the Matthew 18:20 quote and compares it to the missions Jesus sent them on in pairs in Mark 6:7. The way HE puts these two events together, he thinks Jesus is saying He can teleport between people who gather in His Name, as long as there are at least two gatherers present in the target destination. This is madness... for now. When Jesus appears beside John to question him, John cries out in shock, believing that Jesus has just teleported between him and Peter because the two of them were gathered together in His Name. Peter points out that Jesus didn't teleport, but simply walked over while John was describing his divine superpower headcanon.

ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: In this Bible story (Matthew 16:13-23) Jesus asks the apostles Who they think He is, and Simon gives an answer that's spot on. Jesus blesses him and changes his name to "Peter" (from "petra," Greek for "rock" and "stone"), because his faith -- gifted to him by God the Father -- will become the foundation for the new Church (which Peter ends up leading in early Christianity). Later in the same chapter, Jesus is foretelling His death and resurrection at the hands of the Jewish elders, but Peter rebukes Him for it, saying such a death would not be fitting for Him. Jesus counter-rebukes him, saying, "Get behind me, Satan!" because such thinking goes against God's plan and tries to tempt Jesus away from His salvific mission, even if Peter meant it with a good heart.

ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: 1. Matthew 16:13-19 -- Jesus renames Peter and promises him the keys to the kingdom of heaven, along with the authority to bind and loose. 2. Isaiah 22:15-22 -- God promises to replace a wicked master of King David's palace with a new man named Eliakim, and promises to give him the key to the kingdom, along with the authority to open and shut. 3. Catholics schedule these passages for the same Sunday because the parallel between Peter (head of the Church) and Eliakim (master of the palace) is clear. Both serve under a true king and are given authority over their kingdom with authority to bind/shut and loose/open. 4. In this cartoon, John notices this parallel and shares his insight with someone beside him. That Someone is revealed to be Jesus, Who obviously already gets it. Meanwhile, Peter notices the typo in John's word-flood, where he says "Stewart" (a person's name) instead of "steward" (someone who manages something). This is hilarious.

ALT JOKE-OGRAPHY: 1. In this Bible story (Matthew 15:21-28), Jesus is traveling abroad when a Canaanite woman begs Him to cure her daughter, who's tormented by a demon. Jesus tests her faith, then finally answers her prayer, and her daughter is immediately cured. 2. In this cartoon, we imagine the woman's daughter, with the demon tormenting her until angels show up, dressed like mafia, to deal with him on Jesus's orders. Gabriel enjoys the mafioso role with quips and slang while Michael prepares for a very one-sided fight. 3. Gabriel starts by barging into the house and SAYING "knock knock" instead of actually knocking. This is to assert dominance. 4. The idea to subvert the common "make like a tree" idiom is a new joke I invented. Please don't steal it and go back in time to use it before me so I look like I stole it. Thanks! 5. "Scramoose" is a mix between "scram" (like "go away") and "vamoose" (like "go away") for double the "go away" action! This is to assert dominance.