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Today while I was waiting for my therapist to call me in, I witnessed another client's card get declined and THE RUSH I am telling you

My therapist wants me to focus on checking something off my bucketlist this summer soooo @iamblackbear can I steal your hoodie?

Nothing matters. Be sexy.

I really wish I remembered what this was about

My therapist wrote down my coping mechanism so she can use it and it was so validating that I almost don't need therapy anymore

My new therapist asked me to jot a few need-to-know things down for the next session so now I'm wine drunk making a Prezi about my trauma.

I'm really good at describing the nose on wines. This one, for example, smells like if a peach had smegma.

Convincing people to get their vaccines because I care but doing it with emotional manipulation because I'm a Scorpio

At this point, I'm a little afraid to see what's at the bottom of my dirty dish pile

What's your body count? Me: like 4 You've only had sex with 4 people?? Me: Ohhh, you meant sexual?

Nor has it made its way out of my collection and I refuse to be embarrassed by that

I'm going on record to say it's been 9 years since the introduction of the Heeldo and it has not stopped being hilarious

I'm a little concerned that I just thought to myself in all seriousness, "Huh, lotta beheadings lately."

One of my therapy clients responded to something I said with, "yes, queen!" so really, who's healing who?

@cblakebakes I love that you react to all my tweets about sucking dick

I'm done with blowjobs. I'm ready for a blowcareer.