@TheLostBride

Artist. "...quintessentially British awkwardness.." - Danny Robins "I never said you could use that quote" - Danny Robins

Joined January 2009
  • Tweets33K
  • Following2.5K
  • Followers9.4K
2.9KMedia
I haven't told a story on here for awhile, so let me tell you about the time my old boss, Jim, almost killed us all in a fire. It's not a funny story, it's long, doesn't really go anywhere, and at some point it just stops. So anyway, our shop was housed in a very old building.
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My local art society unfollowed me on instagram. I am raging.
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I purchased a bag of assorted toys from an old man at the market awhile back, and when I got home, found this absolute horror inside. The Gnome in your home. Does it keep an eye on your kids? Sure, it likes watching all the children in the neighbourhood. For Santa? Nope.
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Does it get up to mischief at night? Yes, I think it eats dreams and shits nightmares into your mouth while you're sleeping. I can't tell if rats have tried to eat this thing, or if this damage is just a natural effect of years of priests throwing holy water at it.
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What's in the bag? I'm going to guess actual human teeth.
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I'm trying to sell some unwanted items on facebook marketplace, and I've never known stress like it. I feel like each message is another insane demand, issued during some sort of hostage situation, where the hostage is my time. I've been ghosted more times than Derek Acorah.
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Unless I'm selling potions, what the fuck are we meeting at midnight for? What about my listing suggested I'd prefer it if we did this extremely high-stakes, low reward cash exchange involving an absolute stranger at my house, during the witching hour?
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One time, a guy was supposed to pick up a lot of toys and I spent the whole day waiting. Finally there's a knock at the door, two guys, unbeknownst to me, Jehovah's Witnesses, I have a brontosaurus in one hand, a t-rex in the other, and I say, "Are you here about the dinosaurs?"
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I'm currently working on another portrait, and I can feel it slipping away from me. She's not going to like it. Art is, like, really, really hard.
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Thanks everyone, you rock!
Jenks@TheLostBride8 Nov 2025
The 'gram recently shut down my account after I liked too many photos of dogs (true story), so if you're on the 'gram and want to make me feel loved and valid as a human being, please consider giving my new account a follow. I promise you bad art and no feet. (a little feet)
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The 'gram recently shut down my account after I liked too many photos of dogs (true story), so if you're on the 'gram and want to make me feel loved and valid as a human being, please consider giving my new account a follow. I promise you bad art and no feet. (a little feet)
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Just a reminder, I do paint portraits, so what with Christmas coming up, if anyone's in a long-term relationship and is looking to get out of it, please consider commissioning me to paint your significant other.
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I haven't posted on here for a while, but you'll be pleased to know I'm still doing the pet portraits.
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Please buy my children.
Spookykdla@SeanKDLA8 Jan 2025
Everyone stop what you're doing and go and get a painting from @TheLostBride He's horrible and I love him. (Michael, not Jenks)
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Sold! Many thanks. Anyone who missed out, I will keep adding stuff to this thread so keep your peepers open and maybe something will pop up that you like.
Jenks@TheLostBride6 Jan 2025
Anyone need a painting of a cat? Having a bit of a studio tidy, as words like "fire hazard" are being whispered. Ideal if you have a child who won't stay in their room at night. Hang this in the hallway and tell them he's always watching. Mixed media on board. 12x14" £49.99.
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Anyone need a painting of a cat? Having a bit of a studio tidy, as words like "fire hazard" are being whispered. Ideal if you have a child who won't stay in their room at night. Hang this in the hallway and tell them he's always watching. Mixed media on board. 12x14" £49.99.
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I love painting cats so much.
Uncanny Patti@JefferyParsnip5 Jan 2025
Here, in my favourite corner of the house, now proudly sits an original 'Jenks' : "Cat fleeing the vet by Moonlight". I absolutely LOVE it. Thank you, Jenks, you have added some magic to 2025. Hurrah!! @TheLostBride #UncannyCommunity
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