I either look like the happiest girl alive or like I'm going to kill the next person who breathes. There is no in between. #rbf

Some dude just said “good luck finding someone who will put up with your bullshit” Honey… there’s a line…. And you aren’t even on the roster.

My car keeps gaslighting me. I thought I raised her better.

Financial Goal: Walk into a plastic surgeon and say “you know why I’m here” and see what they do to me.

Me trying to save money.... Walmart ad:

I shotgunned a white claw in front of my grandma and she was like: “wow!!! Good job!!” And that’s the energy I need from everyone else in my life. Thank you.

Ppl my age getting married and having kids while I’m googling “will tears make me break out?” Because I let another asshole make a fool outta me. From now on, it’s just me, my dog, and my future.

I feel like I’m getting fucked by the government with no stimulation. At least use lube dude.

Can we please normalize a 4 day work week?

If I offer you a drink and you have to look at the clock before you answer.... you should just leave. I don’t need that negativity in my life.

In light of my current bank account balance, everyone is getting finger guns and a “merry Christmas” from me this year.

Expectation: Working from home is great. I’m being so productive. Reality: I’m going to make the dogs cuddle with me for 8 hours then say I had such a long busy day and open a bottle of wine.

Can’t balance a check book, but you can bet your sweet pickle I can square dance and stop drop and roll. Thanks American school system.

Ok, but are you really a white girl unless you’ve unsuccessfully tried shaking your ass in the mirror when your home alone?