Kevin

Oinking like a pig because the Hardees by my house has reopened.

Anybody need anything from the store?

A website banner stating, “You’ve read your last free article,” always sounds like it’s coming from someone holding a gun.

Love to step over the cat like I just dunked on him.

Field trip, they’re learning shapes today.

Oh, no! The Pokémon scalpers are moving on to reserving one of the 100 daily gorge access visitor permits at Tallulah Gorge State Park in Georgia! You already can’t wake up in Decatur and get there at 9 a.m. without being too late to get the full experience! Now it’ll be worse!

Texting my DAWG about the naps we’re taking before a 10:15pm movie.

When I was a boy, I followed a brunette around Target. As a man, I follow a brunette around Lowe’s.

How are you overstimulated AND loud? You are the stimulus.

googling "[thing I hate] + corny" to feel connection

How is your pharmacy closed when the sun is still out? What? No, I couldn’t have planned better, this is about you and the sun.

I hate the casino jackpot sound design of skate 4.

Every morning I go to the gym the nearby Wing Stop is closed and I think, “Wonder when they Wing Start.”

Haircut in the morning should be cheaper. Give me that matinee trim.

Trying to find a good Odyssey ticket