Ryden Rey.

—Tear-free and ready to sniff. You’re welcome. Have a splendid day.

Merry Christmas, losers. Thanks to me you don’t need a star on top of your trees. I’m the star. @WildlyLawless @atwistofate @RhapsodyOfStars @Wingedreamer

Did it for the ho’s.

When someone tries to say it’s not all about me:

Dressed up for /my/ big day. It’s not always easy being @GuilessPixie’s best birthday present ever.

See you soon, birthday girl. Preferably in your birthday suit.

Happy birthday @GuilessPixie. I’ll perform for you later. I know I’m the best present you could ever get, but I want you to know 1) You are almost prettier than me. 2) You are the best thing to ever happen to me. Can’t wait to change your awful last name to Rey.

@GuilessPixie I miss you, fiancé. It’s hard being alone when you’re this good looking and charming, knowing I should be sharing my natural gifts. Smiling at myself in the mirror doesn’t do the trick like it used to.

There’s no need for birthday presents with me in your life, @atwistofate, alas here you go: a bottle of my new signature cologne: Smooth Ryd. Just carry it with you wherever you go. Consider it a supplement for charm, success, and wicked good looks.

Fact.

If you needed attention, all you had to do was ask. No one should have to suffer that much.