@SecretAlanB

Writer. Author. Diarist. Grime fanatic. The Secret Diaries of Alan Bennett podcast coming this Valentine’s Day.

Joined January 2020
  • Tweets178
  • Following3
  • Followers524
3Media
Like someone put a hat on a trifle.
Harry Sisson
@harryjsisson4 Sep 2025
HAHAHA: Gavin Newsom’s press office just posted this VERY REAL picture of Trump after he posted a distorted image of Rosie O’Donnell. Donald should take his own presidential fitness test!
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Great news that astronauts Butch and Suni are back, even if they are now just pets.
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Few issues here. The Statue of Liberty is way too small. Is it her daughter? Who’s the Dad? The Iron Giant? Oh and she’s somehow alive? How? Witchcraft? Trump seems to be too thin and not the normal bloated gas giant that’s been apple bobbing in a bowl of turmeric. Be lucky!
Skscartoon
@skscartoon20 Sep 2024
For the US, for the world, Trump must win.
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It’s no actually, you mad sack of mad.
Elon Musk
@elonmusk20 Sep 2024
Yes
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Alright then. Wind yer neck in you fat spoon!
Elon Musk
@elonmusk9 Aug 2024
Support freedom of speech in the UK!
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She then put a shoe on her head and exclaimed that all aeroplanes are called Peter.
The i Paper
@theipaper18 Jul 2024
Liz Truss has been discussing shower heads at a breakfast event of the Republican National Convention Truss disclosed that she recently acquired a “Liberty Bell” shower head, created in the image of the famous, cracked bell in Philadelphia
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A. Yes you ham hock of a human!
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You could pay all of ours for the next 3 years you political shiver!
Rishi Sunak
@RishiSunak4 Jun 2024
Keir Starmer will raise your taxes.
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“You son of a bitch, you moved the headstones but left the tumeric!” - Poltergeist
Moog@a_toots17 Jan 2024
Fucking hell. They embalmed him while he was still alive. Brutal.
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Lee Anderson now not resigning to spend more time resigning.
Chris Bryant
@RhonddaBryant18 Jan 2024
What a fool.
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I just voted against the Tories' vile Rwanda Bill. Refugees didn't create the NHS crisis. Refugees didn't create the housing crisis. Refugees didn't slash your wages. The Tories did. And now they're scapegoating vulnerable groups to deflect from the mess they've made.
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Fuck you and the horse you rode in on and then sold for profit.
Sir Liam Fox
@LiamFox3 Jan 2024
As a former NHS doctor, it makes me sad and angry to see doctors involved in action which I believe to be unethical and unforgivable, given the harm being done to patients and the NHS itself
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We should hang them off the nearest…oh.
Jamie Driscoll
@JamieDriscollNE28 Sep 2023
I can’t express how angry I am at the vandalism of the tree at #SycamoreGap. People have had their ashes scattered there. People have proposed there. I’ve picnicked there with my wife and kids. It’s part of our collective soul. We must bring whoever did this to justice.
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03/08/02 Dear my diary, Foolishly microwaved a packet of Bisc & as a thrill seeking topping for my morning porridge, resulting in a hot M&M to become grafted to my tonsil. Removed it with an embossed cruet spoon of Michael Kitchen. Foyle’s War promotional tie in.
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Friday 13th May 2022. Dear my diary, Am doing what they call a gig tonight at the Troy Club in the Aces and Eights Saloon Bar at Tufnell Park. I hope they will honour my play on music, which is Shit Don’t Stop by Thug Life.
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Ooooooh… …Danone.
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#MyTwitterAnniversary Happy birthday Twitter. 200 years old today.
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BREAKING: Boris Johnson and Michael Gove to lose passports
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That @MrPLitchfield is a very funny man. Someone should give him a job on telly or radio or something. I would if I could be remotely bothered.
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Friday 20th August 2021. Dear my diary, I’m known as a lefty liberal sort, and to some degree I very much am. I have a tattoo alluding to the very fact on my left thigh, next to a misjudged Officer Dibble from Top Cat. But the Tory party are a gravy boat full of dead sick.
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