R E D A C T E D

Imagine your coworker commenting you got a bit of berry floss stuck in your teeth, all the while you know it’s Grimace’s pubes.

Ha, you want to fuck a milkshake. Weirdo.

Yes even his pubes are berry flavored.

Yes the purple fatso obviously has smegma. But not the traditional kind. Instead of filth, it’s comprised of ground up berries. So try not to become even more of a chunk chomper than you already are.~

For a limited time at participating locals, you can get a picture taken with Grimace himself! Just don’t question the required dress code.

Average experience for any poor employee working during the shake’s availability period:

Compared to their other shakes, the purple sludge seems to have a serving size that barely anyone can handle.~

Slurp on that dick like you slurp a shake through a straw and you’ll be an addict in no time.~

This is such bullshit. A couple of hours before your shift started, someone spilled their shake on the beach. And now you’re having to deal with it! Fuck this………maybe Whataburger is hiring.

If you’re wondering what happens after the goo golem is done slam fucking you in the middle of the restaurant, it’s quite simple. It’s out to the trash with you! Leaking out alongside moldy burgers and expired condiment packets.~

There’s “Grimace”………and then there’s Grimlings. The polar opposite in every way. Short, Cunning, and Many. Don’t let them jump you or you’ll be choking on milkshake for days.~

What? They gotta get dairy for the shakes from somewhere. The goop’s victims just happen to be the easiest source.~

If you thought Grimace’s whipped cream was addictive, you should try his berry frosted donut. You’ll never wanna eat anything else again.~

About an hour ago, you were terrified that the spilled milkshake your dog snagged a lick of would be toxic to him. Now, you can’t believe you’re thinking this, but you wish it was.

POV: you’re a homeless woman who thought she could scavenge for scraps from a McDonald’s dumpster full of unfinished Grimace Shakes.

Writhing tentacles just burst forth from the lid of your milkshake, latching onto your head and slamming the cup into your face. Seconds later, a large and purple phallic object was being rapidly rammed down your esophagus. Hopefully you’re good at holding your breath.~

Lord have mercy on you if the purple menace decides you’re a keeper. You’ll find yourself whisked away into the strange realm her resides. One where the only escape is death.~

What’s a milkshake without whipped cream? But damn, you sure like a lot on yours [READER]~

Well look on the bright side. At least this fat slab of goo meat punching the back of your throat is berry flavored.~

You were barely given time to react when the purple milkshake exploded to life from within your cup. It rapidly gained mass and formation, eventually becoming a mass of gooey purple tendrils that dragged you in. It’s been 8 hours now. Your womb will be permanently stained purple~