Ryan Brown

I do stand up comedy because it was my childhood dream. I get frustrated sometimes like, “Why is this so hard? Why aren’t I rich and famous?” then I remember, for a plan made by a 12 year old, it's going pretty well.

My dad owns every season of Succession on blu ray. My siblings and I are locked in a constant cutthroat competition over who gets them in the will.

Would love to weigh in here but my patented Accordion Fold™ doesn't seem to be an option

They're comparing breathing air in NYC right now to smoking cigs. So after a few drinks, it might feel really good to go out there.

I can’t believe some people have the audacity to behave exactly like I would in their situation

It's always "making a murderer", never "shaping a shoplifter"

Student loan forgiveness makes me angry because I had to pay mine back and, like any well adjusted person dealing with a hardship, I wish my pain on everyone else.

Before you quip “Oh no, I’m gonna get canceled now!” after your benign and forgettable joke, ask yourself… were you ever green lit in the first place?

I’m accustomed to American portion sizes so it’s hard to imagine pulling a gun out in public and shooting just one person

“We want you to bring your whole self to work!” As an introvert, I don’t bring my whole self anywhere. When I leave the house, at least 20% of me stays kept in a closet at home.

When paying a ransom with a duffle bag of cash, I think you should be allowed to deduct the cost of the duffle from the total ransom. You want $1M in unmarked bills AND a free duffle bag? Come on dude.

Wanna know how much I don't cheat on my girlfriend? In our 11 years together, I've only bought her flowers twice.

When eating a salad, no bite ever goes as planned. Okay, let's stab that tomato... [slippery tomato evades me] ...or just some arugula and a cucumber. That's fine too.

The inventor of the GIF, Steve Wilhite, died today. His life should automatically start again from the beginning.

I saw a graph showing how American children's test scores have changed during the pandemic but I couldn't make sense of it. So idk about the kids but I can confirm American adults aren't doing well

I was insecure for 1 second every day in January

Negative thoughts about yourself are like NFTs. They only have real world value if you believe they do and you’re a sucker if you fall for that shit.