Shane

When you find your cat napping in your bed, you tuck her in. I don’t make the rules…

Why is the internet trying to work “demure” into random sentences like they’re writing a college admissions essay? Did y’all just learn a new word?

“Christ first” in bio lmao 🤡

[Bene Gesserit voice] “55 burgers, 55 fries, 55 tacos, 55 pies…”

We are so losing the tiger wars

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Prisoners deserved better tbh

Maybe he should change his name to Diddly

Doing the lord’s work 🙌🏼

Pulse check! @Jetpakjohnny

Staying in a hotel and wondering how many people have boned in this bed I’m sleeping in.

One thing about me: If I get Sheetz, best believe I’m getting at least five extra Dr. Pepper BBQ sauces to use later on various snacks.

🏈 🎯

Turns out I’m a little gay. No I will not be taking questions.

Saw a car with a license plate reading “ALCOHOL” and you just know the driver has a little whiteboard at home that says “__ days since last DUI”

Microdosing being a giraffe by shutting the fuck up.

I fully support people trying to get in shape, but if you’re taking time to set up a camera at the gym while people are waiting to use your machine during the busiest time of day, I viscerally hate you.

White guys love to be named “Ladd McConkey”

Somebody guard me please! 🏈

Miss me with that. 🏈