I got called pretty today, actually the full statement was "youre pretty dumb" but im only focusing on positive things today

A mime put me in an invisible box and the fire department cant get me out does anyone have David Blaines number? We're running out of ideas

Telling my jokes to my parents is kind of like 3 way sex, in that I disappoint 2 people at the same time

I miss alcohol, I'd argue sobriety is worse than prison because atleast in prison there's wine

Our relationship with cows is weird, like you can't fuck a cow but you can drinks its titty milk. Not that I'm advocating for change just weird that's where we draw the line.

Boogles my mind that dick picks became a thing. I feel like on an instinctive level, we should have known sending women pictures of our 5-inch. Mcnothing wasn't gonna go well, yet here we are... smh, you guys, take a lap

I'm so confused by what just happened... Random dude: How would you like a job watching my kids? Me: sorry dude not looking for work. Plus, I'm not a babysitter, nor am I good with kids. Random dude: I pay good, plus I don't really have kids Me: What? Random dude: *walks away*

Some people say alcoholism isn't a real disease. I'm almost two years sober, and I gotta tell ya, our health care system certainly charges to cure it like it's a real disease

It doesn't matter what your bumper sticker says, because having a bumper sticker on your car means you're garbage

I cant take my parents generation seriously. They grew up singing "we didn't start the fire" and then blame the new generation for whats wrong in the world

It's bold of the health care industry to assume that I enjoy being alive enough to charge me $559.80/month for prescription medicine.

Why is anyone upset over the amount of military aid we send a foreign country? Yet never upset over how much overspending America does on our military budget that a large portion of things go unused and then are donated to make room for more stuff we don't need?

Why is it always "blame the younger generation" instead of "older generation accepts accountability for their actions"?

Friday, I received an award for being at the top in my field. Today I caught this. Honestly, I'm not sure which I'm more excited about.

I don't condone dog fighting in any way, shape, or form, but I have instigated several cat fights.

Say what you will about Donald Trump, but for one beautiful second there, he united America. For the first time in a while, the MAGA crowd and reasonable adults were able to agree that Trump lying about his weight was hilarious.

Weird how we normalize otherwise crazy behavior. Example: I love my Jersey collection. I have a closet full of other guys uniforms, many I've never met before. Some I wear, some are on display in my house, and some I paid alot for. Definitely weird for a "straight" guy to do imo

Yoooooo Abbs dropped a new single check it out! open.spotify.com/track/1JiIx…

If you would call a rhinestone bedazzled suit a "want" instead of a "need". Then I don't expect you to understand why I paid $10,000 for one. If ya know ya know

Not a lot of ladies know thi, but it's actually perfectly normal for one of a man's balls to grow to be 4x the size of the other one and turn purple. Am i right fellas?... Like if you knew a guy that had that, he wouldn't have to go see a doctor... right, guys?

I went through a phase. Where if I was losing an argument I would just repeat what ever was said back, but mockingly sing it back as if I was James Brown. Semi related: I'm no longer in my parents will