Mike Bacon

BREAKING: Fishtown Man Who Has Been a Sixers Fan for 14 Days Now Considered One of Philadelphia’s Leading Basketball Experts Frank, 32, of Fishtown, has officially declared himself a lifelong Sixers fan after watching nine basketball games and purchasing a $180 LeBron James jersey. Frank, who previously believed the NBA was a government agency, now spends six hours a day explaining why LeBron is the greatest player in Sixers franchise history. When asked about Allen Iverson, Frank said he wasn't familiar with his work but assumed he was a local tattoo artist. Frank lives in a $2,400-a-month apartment with three roommates, owns a bicycle worth more than his car, and has 17 tattoos, including a mushroom, a crying possum, and a toaster he got during a particularly difficult breakup. He works remotely for a company nobody understands, drinks $14 craft beers that taste like lawn clippings, and hasn't eaten a cheesesteak since 2019 because he believes bread is a colonial construct. Despite having never attended a game before October, Frank has already called for the entire coaching staff to be fired twice, demanded three trades, and started a podcast called The Process Is Personal. He recently informed a 68-year-old season ticket holder that Philadelphia basketball has always been about loyalty, something Frank understands deeply after switching from the Brooklyn Nets two Thursdays ago. At press time, Frank was explaining to a bartender that the Sixers should retire LeBron's jersey immediately, while asking whether Wilt Chamberlain was the guy who invented basketball.