Luke Schwartz is nice again, 🤷‍♂️

Whatever your pinned tweet is should be on your grave

Q: What are the three secrets of comedy? A: timing and misdirection

I tell my daughter there are starving kids in Africa. Not during mealtimes. Just all the time, to depress her

Got booked for a show on Friday. The next day, booker tells me the venue cancelled his show there forever. That’s the Luke Schwartz effect, baby! 😉

Ah yes, D’applesauce

This is the best mural in Los Angeles and it isn’t even close

Ah yes, Miss Sticky one

Yelling “you can’t treat me like this, I’m a father” at my baby

Calling twitter Ex

Greeting all the orthodox in my neighborhood with “feliz año nuevo” and “buenas yuntif”. Really confusing to them 😏

Ah yes, bisexual McGee

Ah yes, a custard notre dame

In the next 30 years I’ll bet we’ll have a president named Creighton or Jaxton or something stupid like that

Remember ladies, just because he’s wearing nail polish doesn’t mean he’s an ally

A vegetarian sandwich shop called Never Meat Your Heroes

If your earthquake tweet is more than two minutes after the shake, you’re late!