Lady of house Snacks

Car horns sound either like Colin Firth or Samuel L Jackson saying "excuse me", depending on how hard you press them.

A busy convenience store is anything but.

A think tank isn't a similar thing to a smart car, and this is why I find the English language confusing.

Her: Reverse cowgirl is my favourite sexual position. Me: *not having a clue about anything other than missionary* Yeah, er, girl cow is my favourite position too.

I ❤️ internal organs.

Bought a dog whistle a month ago. Stupid animal hasn't learnt to blow it yet.

Luke Shaw's name sounds like an excitable sailor seeing land for the first time in a while.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn't need to stop and ask for directions.

My whole life's pretty much been an unforced error.

Which is the least awful offal of all?

Happy Independence Day to all overgrown American children who are still living with their parents. You're in your thirties, FFS, it's time to get your own place.

If Mr and Mrs Foolery fail to call their firstborn son Tom, he should be removed from their care.

Hear me out. Contact Lens - a niche dating app for people who love men called Len.

Some days are harder than others to prove you're not a robot.

For the last time, I'm NOT a ship spotter, I'm a naval gazer.

A mime artist is just a Twitter muted person but in real life, right?