New from @ComedyRecords: HUNTER COLLINS IS NOT AFRAID OF YOU! Comedy that puts its hand in the starving rat cage! If you bust nuts, if you get crunk, if you eat the banana -skin and all- THIS IS THE ALBUM FOR YOU! Linktree here: lnk.dmsmusic.co/huntercollin…

If I had a Game Genie for real life, first code I put in: infinite million beers.

I don’t get why A.I. would kill us all, because what does it do after it slaughters us, just… chill?

It’s just so lumpy. #nosejob #makeover #transformation #freedom250 #danawhite

It’s funny how when someone tells you they’re a single mother, you think, “that poor mother”. And when someone tells you they’re a single dad, you think, “that poor mother”.

I flew to Europe to breed. I’m like a rare species of crane.

If you ever see me sit on the stool onstage, fucking rip my tongue out through my anus and then yank it back up around my neck and choke me to death because my brain has turned to possum shit mold whereas able-minded me will never be that smug cunt. Fine if you do it tho.

A family friend is visiting my Czech in-laws, laying eyes on my baby son for the first time. A few minutes ago, they tear one of his socks off, start pointing at my child’s toes, then at me, cracking up while I make out the Czech word for “same”.

I’ve travelled the world. Performed for adoring audiences over the span of an illustrious 20+ year career. And I’ve boffed the finest trim only Irish charm can buy. But it’s time to settle down and finally become a navy seal.

Pretty excited to be a stepdad to my son.

These guys’ careers span from my last year at Humber College, to a failed music career, a successful comedy career, 5 relationships, 10 apartments, the birth of my son, 3 Cups, and I probably leaned 63 new recipes. I grew up alongside them. Maybe I’m too old for my job too.

Assuming it's true so I can keep crying onto my guns.

I still think it should be spelled “Porchoogle”.

Always the bukkak-EE, never the bukkak-ER…

Bush did 4-11.

For instant schadenfreude, ask any comedian, “Hey what happened to that podcast you did 5 episodes of and then never again since?”

I’ve never seen a vampire be repelled by a crucifix, but I HAVE offered a Czech person fresh kale.