We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

If there's one thing I know about women, it's that I'm probably wrong about that too.

I'm not pregnant enough to enjoy Facebook.

The Little Mermaid taught us all a valuable lesson. Men will fall in love with you if you can't talk.

Good evening, welcome to the Fuck Givery. We regret to inform you that we are closed for the night as we've run out of fucks to give.

Every time I see a girl running in high heels, a part of me wants to see her fall. Just kidding. All of me wants to see her fall.

So many of my problems can be solved with a jet pack.

Thank you, adjectives. You make insulting people much more fun.

I'm really disappointed in the number of animals we can ride.

Zippers must have been invented by a woman with some castration conspiracy in mind.

Most pictures are only worth seven words: "Why the hell did you take that?"

Have you heard of this thing called "not being an asshole?" Let's make that popular.

I love my life but it just wants to stay friends.

Every time I see a pile of clothes on the floor, I think the world just lost another Jedi.

Optimists make me want to drown them in half-full swimming pools.

Just remember: No matter how intelligent you think you are, someone out there thinks you're an idiot.

My relationship with the gym isn't working out.

"Two can play at this game!" - person who doesn't understand solitaire

I bet every recipe for disaster has raisins in it.

Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key