@HowToBeADad

An entertainment experience for parents, or anyone who's had parents, really. Also on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube: HowToBeADad https://xitter.cf/t.co/0J79afktXQ

 Los Angeles, CA
howtobeadad.com
Joined July 2010
  • Tweets29.6K
  • Following1.5K
  • Followers142K
2.3KMedia
Replaced a fuse in a rival dad’s Christmas lights so the second half of the strand would turn on right in front of his wife and kids.
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happy "let's circle back on this after the holidays" to all who observe!
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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11-year-old: Are we doing anything fun this weekend? Me: Yes. 11: Actually fun or what you think is fun? She's catching on.
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When you ask your man what he's thinking, believe him when he says nothing.
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I promise that when my kid says “actually” whatever comes out of their mouth next will be very false
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Coffee is good but nothing wakes you up harder than the adrenaline of searching for a piece of your kid’s sports uniform on Saturday morning.
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Sometimes I think it’d be great to be a teacher at a kindergarten. My 6yo comes home from there and says “guess which one of my friends clogged the toilet today?!” Imagine having quality stories like that to bring home every day!
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Elmo needs to make a song about how kids should sleep in on weekends
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Artist’s rendition of parents trying to get a teen up and out the door for school:
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Foreplay after 40 at some point includes Costco.
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My 6yo told me that if I bought him a night light that can change colour he'd start sleeping in his bed instead of mine. So, of course, I decided to buy it. In a totally unrelated story, I now have a multicolour night light in my room.
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If I had a dollar for every time my wife asks me where her phone is, would I have to report that as taxable income to the IRS?
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Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning: My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
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I don’t trust anyone who dabs their pizza with a paper towel before eating it.
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Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies] [Later] Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
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Nothing good comes of a conversation that begins with, "Hey mom, are you in a good mood?"
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Wife: You know girls have cooties, right? Son: Yes mom and they’re called vaginas.
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Wife: I don’t even like football why would I want to go to a Super Bowl party? Me: Snacks and booze Wife: I’ll get my purse
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HowToBeADad retweeted
Rick Aaron@RickAaron11 Feb 2023
Because of an unfortunate typo on the invitation I will now be hosting a Superb Owl Party.
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