Me: Who do you follow for your CKD? Pt: My chiropractor Me: How does he or she check your kidneys Pt: He places one hand over my kidney and puts his other arm straight out; if my wife can’t push his arm down it means my kidneys are okay Me: interesting ... your creatinine is 7

Me: what’s your allergy to narcan? Patient: It ruins my high

When grocery shopping a ripe avocado is 1+ pitting edema and a ripe watermelon sounds like a moderately distended abdomen when percussed. Any other medical suggestions for picking ripe produce?

There’s a special place in hell for those day shift workers that routinely show up 5-10 minutes late to relieve the night team

Innocent female resident: The new patient is a 20 year old female that just dislocated her jaw Me: How did she dislocate her jaw at 1:30 in the morning? Resident: I know ... but I’d rather not say ... I’ll just show you an emoji. (Turns her phone to me) 🍆😮😮😮

Patient: I have pain in my neck, my back Me: Go ahead, finish the song

Me: what number pregnancy is this for you? Pt: This is my first, we’re very excited 45 seconds later Me: Any previous surgeries? Pt: Just 2 C sections

Patient: I drove 50 minutes in the snow to get here and you’re going to tell me you’re not going to give me an antibiotic for my cough? My internal dialogue: Oh shit, I didn’t realize your commute. In that case meropenem, rocephin, and clindamycin stat #manflu #Himfluenza

Nurse: Doc you mind seeing this guy that just rolled in; he’s pretty altered. Me: No problem Me: Hey sir, nice to meet you what brings you in today? Patient: WOW! You look just like Ryan Reynolds Me: Nurse clearly his altered mental status has resolved

Sometimes I read my scribe’s interpretation of my conversation with the patient and it makes me wonder what the patient’s takeaway was #repeatafterme

Patient: No Doc, you’re not listening. Let’s go over this again. Normally I drink 2 24 ounce beers that are each 6% alcohol, so that’s 12%. But they didn’t have any tall boys so I had 4 12 ounce beers, then I found out they’re EACH 6%; that’s 24%!! That’s why I’m so drunk.

I have a weird job. The 2 most satisfying/productive things I have done tonight were dig around in a guy’s rectum and expedite the death of a sweet old lady

Overweight 4 year old daughter of a patient in the room eating a bag of marshmallows. Just straight up marshmallows out of a huge bag. Every time I went in there she was still eating them. Ate the whole bag. So many emotions. Disgust, anger, envy. But mostly I’m just impressed

Patient: I don’t believe in Western medicine, I actually work doing healing touch Me: What is healing touch? Pt: I use energy from human touch to facilitate mental and physical health Me: why did you come here tonight then? Pt: We don’t place stitches #HealingSutures

When I discharge a patient I actually like (Read in Morgan Freeman voice) I have to remind myself that some patients aren’t meant to be admitted. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice.

This is a PSA: If you’re a 30 something year old with no medical history and no symptoms, you do not need to take your blood pressure at the pharmacy. And if you ignore that advice and the blood pressure is 142/92 you do not need to come to the ER.

Radiologists, tip to inflate the ego of your emergency physicians. For post reduction x rays use the phrase “near flawless alignment status post closed reduction”. My head barely fit through the door to tell the patient results of X Ray.

Me: Why did somebody call the police Pt: Probably because I’m drunk Me: But you just told me you weren’t drinking tonight Pt: I wasn’t, I’m dry drunk. I’m a heavy drinker so even when I don’t drink I still act drunk Me: Gotcha Pt: So like I was saying I had about 10 tall boys

Me: Any chance you could be pregnant? Pt: nah I don’t think so, I got my period but I heard that doesn’t matter no more Me: you currently have your period or you recently had it? Pt: I had it like ... 3 months ago; shit now that you say that I guess I probably am pregnant

Triage note: Patient here one hour ago for a shoulder dislocation. Thought the physician was “being dramatic” about needing to keep it in a sling post reduction. Shoulder is dislocated again Patient’s face when I walk in the room 1 hour after discharging him