I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but if the world ever ends, if society collapses, or the nukes go off... my experience as a parent tells me that this tragedy will take place immediately after I try to sit down on the couch with a cup of coffee.

Me in 2002: Wow this Lil John song is dope. I’ve never heard anything like this before. Me in 2023: When my 6 year olds yell “YEAH” or “OKAYY” I suddenly want to see how far it is from the window to the wall.

6yo: I’m going to eat your snacks Me: No you’re not I can see you, and you’re not that sneaky 6: ok I’ll just wait until you’re pooping because I’ll have plenty of time

I really envy how kids can just randomly yell “I HAVE TO POOP!” and run out of the room, an everyone’s just like “good for them knowing their body”

Every time I watch a zombie show I wonder how many of the survivors in the zombie outbreak also watched zombie shows before the outbreak.

WHY THE FUCK DOES A 6 YEAR OLD HAVE ACCESS TO A GUN

My 6 year old just put gingerbread house frosting on her finger and rubbed it on her gums like a coke addict

Dear @wsdot - for Christmas this year, please make the Montlake/520 intersection not horrible, but I’d settle for peace on earth since that seems more achievable. Thanks! 🎄

“Going to Disneyland is like the parenting Olympics except there are no winners or awards” -My wife, as we’re leaving Disneyland

The push to universalize phone chargers is great, but how about a universal straw size for reusable kids cups? Parents?!? Who’s with me?!?

Seattle: OH MY GOD THE AQI IS SO HIGH THE SMOKE IS GOING TO KILL US ALL Also Seattle: …but we’re good at baseball right now so who cares?!? Woooooooooo!!! #Mariners

My 6 year old just asked for a turkey sandwich, then took the sandwich that I made for her, peeled all the turkey off of it, balled the meat up in her hand, and is eating it the ball of turkey meat like an apple. So to answer your question, yesit’s a normal day with 6 year olds

After watching Alone, Survivor is just fucking goofy

Just saw Bros As a cisgender straight white man I can confidently say that it was awesome and enjoyable and hysterical! @billyeichner killed it in every way!

There’s a church near us called “The Timberlake Church” and I know this isn’t true but I like to believe that their worship time is spent listening to “Sexy back” and watching “Friends with Benefits”

I asked if any of my students had a job, and one answered by saying “umm I’m a minor” so I went “oh wow! Which mine do you work in?!?” and the class lost their minds It’s going to be fun year #teacherlife #dadjokes