Me: Why are you being so childish?! Ozzy: Because I'm a child... Me: .......Yep.....fair enough.

This notebook sounds sarcastic...

Where on earth did you get that idea from?

The sort of message you have to send people when you're a parent...

I don't even drink tea, but I'm starting to suspect 90% of the cups of tea made each day are just an excuse to eat biscuits.

Occasionally I have to cycle the order of my clothes in the cupboard otherwise I'll just wear the same 2 sets of clothes forever.

Wife: I don't feel too good, I'm going to bed early tonight. Me: Oh no *switches on telly* that sounds like a good plan *turns on ps5* I hope you feel better soon *starts fallout 4*

Save the tape. You can see that the window opened using the electrics. Imagine if all cars could be unlocked by just pushing the windows down 😂

Then technically they are just 'days', and the days that are not 'days' are 'one of those days'.

A school light jog is about what I will manage 😅

It's not a proper school run unless it's raining.

Very good!

I'd rather set myself on fire than make small talk.

Technically 1am is super early... 👀

Every time! It's the rules.

You: Making memories with your family is priceless. Passport office: Actually....we have a price for you.

Jack: Can I have a pear please? Me: A pair of what? Jack: Why are you always like this?

I think my phone's facial recognition only knows it's me when I look slightly concerned.

🤣🤣

Sometimes I wonder what Americans do with all their free time after taking a whole syllable out of the word aluminium.