Imagine having an alarm clock, except you can't choose the time it goes off. It also pokes you in the eyes as well as making noise. Oh, and it kinda looks like you, but smaller.

Me: Why are you being so childish?! Ozzy: Because I'm a child... Me: .......Yep.....fair enough.

This notebook sounds sarcastic...

The sort of message you have to send people when you're a parent...

I don't even drink tea, but I'm starting to suspect 90% of the cups of tea made each day are just an excuse to eat biscuits.

Occasionally I have to cycle the order of my clothes in the cupboard otherwise I'll just wear the same 2 sets of clothes forever.

Wife: I don't feel too good, I'm going to bed early tonight. Me: Oh no *switches on telly* that sounds like a good plan *turns on ps5* I hope you feel better soon *starts fallout 4*

It's not a proper school run unless it's raining.

Jack: Can I have a pear please? Me: A pair of what? Jack: Why are you always like this?

I think my phone's facial recognition only knows it's me when I look slightly concerned.

Sometimes I wonder what Americans do with all their free time after taking a whole syllable out of the word aluminium.

Me: Jack, why are you so hyper right now?! Jack: I'm not hyper, I'm just weird!

Gee. I wonder what it could be....

Today I hoovered the big hoover with the little hoover. That's the kind of person I am nowadays.

Imagine winning the lottery! People: House. Sports car. Me: Brand name baked beans!

"What kind of weather?" "Yes."

I swear at least half of you guys are just AI.

I got a new pencil today and I'm unreasonably happy about it.

Me: Any idea what to have for dinner tonight? Wife: Oh we're having gammon and eggs with roast baby potatoes. Me: You're making that? Wife: I didn't say I was making it, but that's what we're having.

Ozzy: Daddy, it's not fair! You get loads of cool parcels and I never get anything! Me: You know what, you're right. The next cool parcel they arrives for me, you can have. Ozzy: Yaaaay! Thank you! The next parcel to arrive:

Don't know what it is, but there is something inherently cool about a signed book.