CryptoMan

I bought my first Bitcoin on @coinbase in 2017. What should have been the start of something revolutionary turned into a circus of distractions. Instead of teaching me why Bitcoin was transformative, Coinbase dragged me into their shiny little funhouse of lies. Their “earn-to-learn” program was a glorified bait-and-switch. They didn’t teach me—they sold me. Sold me on their Crypto Pleasure Island, where boys chasing easy riches turn into donkeys. And I was a full-blown jackass. I dabbled in everything: DeFi, yield farming, staking, altcoin gambling. They didn’t just distract me—they led me away from Bitcoin, the only thing that mattered. While Bitcoin was busy transforming lives in El Salvador, I was farming Cake tokens and pretending to “cloud mine” Electroneum like an idiot. Bitcoin was changing the world, and I was in a state of constant confusion trying to figure out how come I can’t figure out crypto. Then 2022 hit. The Trucker Rally in Canada stopped me dead in my tracks. Watching the government freeze people’s bank accounts for donating to peaceful protesters finally opened my eyes. That’s when I finally got it. Bitcoin wasn’t a clunky tech experiment. It was a weapon against tyranny. While governments flexed their power, Bitcoin stood untouchable—a global, unstoppable freedom machine. I was late to the party, but I fell in love. Not because of Coinbase. Not because of their snake-oil education programs or the crypto clown car. No, it was those so-called toxic Bitcoin Maxis who finally opened my eyes. The people everyone loves to hate—the ones who call out scams and take no prisoners—they taught me more about “crypto” than Coinbase ever could. My journey to Bitcoin was delayed by four years of their garbage. Four years of chasing useless DeFi farms, stacking trash tokens, and trying to “learn” from the same people who were conning me. I survived. Many didn’t. I lost a little. Many lost everything. I was delayed. Many never arrived. Coinbase had the chance to be a force for good. They could have been educators. Revolutionaries. Leaders of a movement. Instead, they became Vegas in an app—just another casino profiting off human greed. Casinos are never the good guys. History will forget them. Brian Armstrong? A footnote in the Blocksize Wars at best. Bitcoin doesn’t need them. It doesn’t need gimmicks, yield farms, or fake learning programs. Bitcoin is inevitable. It’s the truth wrapped in code. And it will outlive every one of these crypto distractions. So thanks, Coinbase, for wasting four years of my life. I got here anyway.