Provasic

I’m the RNC’s chief medical examiner for the 2026 midterms. The body on my table is the Republican Party. The man who drove it here is on 60 Minutes, performing his own autopsy, without gloves. The party’s last autopsy, in 2013, ran nearly 100 pages. This one took 1 answer. Ross Douthat asked for his analysis of the defeat. I’ve entered it into evidence: CAUSE OF DEATH: “Number one, I was not on the ballot.” The toe tag says VOTE LIKE I’M ON THE BALLOT. Douthat read it to him. He said, “Yeah.” CONTRIBUTING FACTOR: Voters had to be transferred “to candidates that they didn’t like.” Douthat noted he had picked the candidates. “Cornyn would’ve lost also.” This is the first autopsy I’ve written that includes a man who wasn’t in the car. CONTRIBUTING FACTOR: “They didn’t like the war.” CONTRIBUTING FACTOR: “They didn’t like the fact that gasoline went up, ’cause I had it down at a low.” CONTRIBUTING FACTOR: “a great dislike, incredibly, for Israel.” CONTRIBUTING FACTOR: The voters themselves, who “didn’t vote, really.” MANNER OF DEATH: “I think it was bad messaging, maybe by me.” That “maybe” is the first self-inflicted wound recorded in 10 years. I had it bronzed. The family has asked for privacy. Then the economy. “Well, it’s not really the Iran war because the numbers are phenomenal.” So the war raised gas prices, gas prices killed the party, and the war had nothing to do with the economy. The committee asked me to draw it as a straight line. I drew a circle. They asked me to try again. I drew the Oval Office. Then the medical anomaly. Without him, he said, Israel “would not exist.” On Friday his new chief of staff said the United States “would not exist right now” without him either. He is load-bearing for 2 nations and responsible for 0 elections. The corpse would like to know how it missed the coverage. On Iran’s nuclear material: “They have nothing. It’s buried under thousands of tons of rock.” The State Department is offering $20 million for information about the nothing. I’ve submitted a tip. It says, “Under the rock.” On his net worth, up $3 billion according to Forbes: “I devote almost no time to my net worth.” To Douthat, whose net worth did not go up $3 billion: “You should’ve had stock.” I’ve filed that under Recommended Treatment. The voters have been notified. Asked if he could forgive his enemies to get into heaven: “I want to be honest, no.” It was the first time in the interview he wanted to be honest. I’ve logged it as a new symptom. Asked if he’s going to heaven: “I hope so. I don’t want to go to hell.” Asked what happens when he dies: “Well, I hope I’m missed.” The party feels the same way. TIME OF DEATH: Tuesday, 9:09 p.m. TIME OF DENIAL: Ongoing. Final finding: the driver is in excellent health and on television. The party died of complications.