Dead Pan Nick (@Contwixt) | teapawt

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@Contwixt14 Jun 2024

When I said I was "down to earth," I meant that I am like a hungarian goose feather comforter, lain upon the earth.

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@ContwixtOct 20

Gen Z is first generation in a minute who earnestly believes in entering contests. Where are you at, publishers clearinghouse.

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Horned Sphere@Horned_SphereOct 18

That new Nathan Fielder movie had the hipster theater hootin and hollerin like a black church last night

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@ContwixtOct 19

It takes some serious intentional naivety to call willful ignorance by any other name

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@ContwixtOct 13

Hard work is only hard because you aren't getting paid enough to do it.

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@Contwixt20 May 2017

It's one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you've got a golf tee in each nostril, that's a pattern. Wake up.

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@minakimesOct 5

Me when my parents rented DEEP IMPACT from Blockbuster

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Spooky Blaylock 🎃🕷️@velodusOct 4

*flirting* You're the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on in the Statcast era

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Dead Pan Nick retweeted

“Babe do we have to watch Daniel Jones vs Athan Kaliakmanis first thing or can we go to brunch?” Me:

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perfect angel@girl__virusOct 3

i've been nothing but a complete nightmare to you and this is how you treat me

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Zack Bornstein@ZackBornsteinOct 3

i coulda told you that if your slow ass could catch up to me

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@difficultpattyOct 2

Humans beings weren't meant to endure this much two factor authentication.

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World of Statistics

@stats_feedOct 1

The most complex word in the English language is "run", with 645 possible different meanings.

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Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHaterSep 30

The feminine urge to fall in love with a handsome drifter and become a cold case

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CreekPete 🇨🇦@CreekInCANSep 29

Artificial Turf will now be known as Super Grass.

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scarecrow 🚫👎@snowcrowsySep 29

i have yet to find an adhd trick for getting around executive dysfunction that works for me because every single one just makes me go "okay but i could also NOT do that"

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@DavisMattekSep 29

The best thing about the current era of the NFL is these ancient QBs being wheeled out like trebuchets and immediately being better pure passers than the young athletes they are replacing. The Joe Flacco Conundrum.

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@DanManCarneySep 28

Dressing as Chris Hansen for Halloween and showing up to people’s houses while they’re giving out candy to children and asking them “you see how this looks, right?”

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@FrazzleMyGimpSep 28

(Baseball game) Hotdog guy: hotdogs! Me waving him down: all good over here Him: what? Me standing up and going to him: I don’t want a hotdog

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Lindsay Bebout@lindsaybeboutSep 28

I’d give up my first born if it meant Hufanga successfully intercepted balls

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Robby@Robby_NFLSep 28

As ugly as it may look at times, God Bless Sean Payton dude. All I’ve wanted since Peyton retired is to watch the Broncos actually compete in marquee primetime matchups like tonight and all last year. There’s no better feeling than watching your favorite team consistently go blow for blow with some of the leagues best.

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