Ameri-strayan'.
Australia
Joined August 2014
- Tweets13K
- Following6.4K
- Followers14.2K
- Likes76.7K
Pinned Tweet
Am I currently satisfied with my skin care regime? Lady, I haven't been satisfied with anything since 1991. I am the embodiment of dismay.
Nuclear Winter retweeted
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it's bracelets.
Nuclear Winter retweeted
The latest poll shows me 19 points ahead. Hold on. Sorry folks. The latest poll shows me 19 POUNDS ahead.
Nuclear Winter retweeted
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what's a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Nuclear Winter retweeted
Falconry is a power move. Having an argument? Summon a mighty raptor to alight upon your gauntlet and screech its agreement with you.
Nuclear Winter retweeted
if you ever need to be reminded of your decomposing existence on this earth stay at a motel built in the same year you were born
Nuclear Winter retweeted
I wear shirts with low-cut arm holes in case I need to unfurl my black wings and kick some ass human-bird hybrid-style
Nuclear Winter retweeted
I take no leave of you, Miss Bennet: I send no compliments to your mother. You deserve no such attention. I am most seriously displeased.
Nuclear Winter retweeted
It’s called a charm offensive. I'm like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
