sharty

It’s the freakin weekend baby, time to force a $2 beer down this flawless gullet

“Why isn’t the fight and deliver party listed first on the ballot”

This is a self tape monologue girl just go to drama school

Having a wedding and making the signature cocktail shrimp

Bart Bass? More like Fart Ass

“It’s not that deep” is the most effective gaslighting response you could be water boarding me and I’d be like omg wait you’re literally right 😭

Why did nosferatu have an Andy Reid mustache

Damn. Vaxxed?

Die hard is about one cops journey to be brave to shoot enough again

Trying to shoot down the drones and accidentally hitting Elphaba

I know Luigi’s gc went crazy bc if some of my friends’ ex situationships came out of the woodwork to simply say happy birthday my friends and I would build a homemade rocket phineas and ferb style strap them to the underbelly and launch them into deep space

Nothing hits like home for the holidays water pressure

if you squat in a public restroom and your pee gets all over the seat and you don’t wipe after yourself you are literally no better than a man and hear me bc i am so serious

had a dream I tweeted “imagine you’re a doctor delivering devastating news and your nose won’t stop whistling”

whenever someone says “if you know what I mean 😏” sorry no? Am I meant to read minds.?

had a productive day at work like omg yes you’re such a good little cog in the machine. pathetic.

Just saw a beautiful woman on the train. Chills.

This might get me cancelled but any time I see two or more markedly tall people generally in the same vicinity I assume they are together, as per the Freaks Flock Together code

Am I supposed to care that Joe Biden pardoned Hunter this is America nothing matters anymore there are no rules no decorum any politician could go on CNN right now and do a line off a loaded ak47 and it would be like the third most talked about story today