Have never made a mistake; zero regrets. Whole life = as planned.

I can’t imagine being described as an “amazing” comic. I can only imagine being described as “well within reason.”

I bet today I get everything done.

Good self-esteem is catfishing yourself. Is this anything?

everything I’ve ever done has worked

This is the other only good tweet I’ve done, only on Mothers Day

My tweet from yesterday will be my only attempt to make a real point or opinion for the rest of this year.

Possible happy ending: the smartest AI bots all get social media accounts and shame spiral and doom scroll themselves into powerlessness. Social media will be ruined (good) and the bots too busy trolling to hurt anyone.

I will make a 22 episode sitcom season TODAY, before lunch. Airing in my head, starring…….. ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nathan Fielder is hilarious and fascinating and also stresses me out. I felt it important to tell you this. I hope you’re all having a nice day.

Most TV shows I watch are technological miracles and also overall just FINE.

Someone will soon win a national election by simply giving the middle finger every time they’re on camera.

Happily? Ever dafter.

Social media is good and has never made me do anything weird. Now if you excuse me I need to meditate for three hours while I silently examine what my life would have been like if I married Bugs Bunny and had become a crypto king.

Drugs are wack! Wacking GOOD! 😂 only kidding I don’t do drugs. Or say wack! This whole post is a lie!

“El Nino” is the “mercury in retrograde” of weather.

These dirty dishes I left out are not my failing. They’re my LEGACY.

Idea #1037: make a self-diss track.

Maybe electing a mean egomaniac angry grandfather convicted of sexual assault who’s obsessed with punishing his enemies wasn’t as good an idea as it sounded.

I swear to you I sometimes do have ideas.