Debounce? Pshh… Try our new jQuery plugin: DoubleDribble.js $.dbldrbl = function(fn, n){ return function() { while(n--){ fn() } } }

TTFJ Time To First Jank

Sure, animated gifs might be larger than video, but they're also more battery/cpu intensive and lower quality.

Fast By Association™ Load iframes of fast websites into the body of your website, and people will associate your site with the fast ones.

* { will-change: contents; }

Roses are slow. Violets are slow. Sorry this is a day late. 408 Request Timeout.

Speed. Not even once.

Dear DMV, have you considered React?

Enable SSLv3 exclusively on your app so you can still have a green lock, but browsers have an easier time reading the plain text.

y do they call it SPDY

`gzip --best` is kind of subjective.

Jank early, jank often.

Save expensive computations for when the user isn't engaging with application, like during a scroll or primary content load.

Set element.viscosity to below 0.5 for faster reflows.

server { listen 443; rewrite ^ http://$server_name$request_uri?; } https take *so* *long*. Simply redirect it to http.

Use the new ServiceWorkers to add a small amount of latency to each request. This shows users that the servers are "really working hard."

Remove the 'skip intro' link on your homepage to save precious bytes across the wire.

The root URL of your app should allow you to select the minified or unminified version so the user can choose between speed and verbosity.

More like Content Delivery Net-DOESNT-work, amirite?!