I never feel more useful than when I’m at a coffee shop and someone asks me to watch their computer while they go to the bathroom. WHAT A RELIEF I’M NOT A TOTAL WASTE OF ORGANIC MATTER

I wrote a new play and @The_Vagrancy is producing a reading of it on Friday! If you’re in LA, I’d love to see you there. Tix here: eventbrite.com/e/orta-by-kat…

I used to think I’d like to get married to the JURASSIC PARK theme music but now I think I’d like to get married to the SUCCESSION theme music I’m fine, why do you ask?

The first rule of coffee shops is we don’t talk about coffee shops. The second rule is that nobody sitting next to an electrical outlet will actually need or use an electrical outlet.

Today I voted YES on spending the afternoon working on my new play because the other choice was to get depressed about everything else

not enough people have listened to that song about how 🎶you can’t always get what you want 🎶

who else’s job is just trying to get other people to do their jobs

I wish I had the flexibility to only be held accountable to the laws I made for myself, but that’s a luxury we only offer to health insurance companies.

Just a Phyllis looking for her Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration

Some people are assholes, but one of the guys working at the Silverlake Whole Foods noticed that my lettuce fell out of my bag and ran out to the parking lot after me to return it to me. Whoever he is, he is my #1 person today.

There is a direct relationship between how much I am required to needlessly be in the office and how much dumb stuff I want to buy to distract me from my unhappiness and this is how capitalism is ruining me

Know who doesn’t have impostor syndrome? Impostors

In need of 15 min. of reading material? Check out my new short story, “The Patrol,” in @FjordsReview! fjordsreview.com/monthly-fla…

did u know: you can use leftover buttermilk cornbread to make a kickass grilled cheese

this book could’ve been a meme

Have the song from “Denver the Last Dinosaur” in my head, which begs the question: what American city was the FIRST dinosaur named after?

I have forgotten so many useful and important things over the years, yet I still recall the exact sensation of feeling a lump in my shoe during an 8th-grade cross country practice, then going to the locker room later and taking off my shoe to find a squished grasshopper inside

I think we can all agree that carrot cake is a vegetable

I wish there was a pneumatic tube to suck me from my warm car to my warm apartment without me having to step out into the cold parking lot