gooner? no bro, i'm a goner *crumbles*

mayonnaise is sold in squeeze bottles or jars. some people will only buy one or the other. my investors, it's time we prove toothpaste is the same.

my family-run 9/11 themed restaurant is going out of business. i hope you're happy with what you've done

my underwear is at half mast today to mourn charlie kirk

you just set trans people back 25 years. oh my god... we have to stop it from happening..!! we can't let charlie kirk die!

she took the bomb with a lit fuse in the divorce

i told my doctor that i had anxiety that this joke wouldn't land, they took me off my meta-cation

my dog brought me to the pound

new funny number: 00334. we don't know what makes it funny yet

putting a spare key under your doormat is way too predictable and puts you in danger, so i've decided to outplay the entire neighborhood by putting the key on top of the mat

i've seen more roadkill recently. it's scary to think that i live near such depraved roads.

(the person who invented small talk) let's talk about the mouse in the room

gender identity? is that like euler's identity? #math #philosophicwoke

"this july 4th, i wish for world peace!" ghost of america past: "sorry, that's unamerican. anything else you want" "um, i wish for a billion dollars" ghost of america present: "ok but you gotta send half to israel" ghost of america future: "don't listen to him, half ain't enough"

somewhere between 250 and 500

"where do babies come from?" (internet user trying to brush it off) well, when John Baby loves someone very very much...

me hey guys i ju- hold on. my colon is gone. my doctor took it again!! my friend mike:: lets kill him and loot their belongings!!

teacher: today we are removing the first three letters of our names kid named ben: are you fucking kidding me

i think you formatted this wrong. please remove my colon