getting haircuts

Deleting family memebers from my contacts to ad more local real estate agents

rubbing diarrhea all over my face so I don’t get any in my mouth

Trapping a rat in a plastic 5 gallon bucket to be my enemy and rival

begging my wife to beat me with a shower curtain rod and step on my hands

bleaching my hair in a rental car in case I’m Americas most wanted the criminal

Making diarrhea with arts and crafts supplies

pouring Dasani into a paper shedder so the police will never know I had it

all my drinking water comes from the bathroom sink of a subway

stapling two pieces of gum together

wearing roller derby elbow pads I wrote gym shark on to give someone a concussion at an indoor music festival

covering myself in camouflage to hide from diarrhea

asking a sci-fi character on the tv if I can be a family member

Drawing hentai pongo from 101 dalmations on my cheek

cleaning a baby with the air Jordan sneaker care kit

putting a golf hole in every room of my home for property value

i have a dumbphone because it reminds me of a IED detonator and it doesn’t have ero me on it that site is dirty poison

Taking my wife of 10 years to Dairy Queen for soft serve and to kiss her on the cheek

Bleeding the lines from an excavator and selling the hydraulic fluid for lorcana money

laying face down on a table in McDonald’s because I’m afraid someone’s gonna stab me in the stomach