My favorite part of Thanksgiving weekend is the end, when everyone posts their slutty Thanksgiving photos to Facebook.

Rush Limbaugh says that pepper spray is a food product. I bet he's kicking himself that he never thought to call waterboarding a beverage.

I thought about stocking up on emergency hurricane supplies, but I couldn't think of any types of liquor I don't already own

Has NY legalized marriage between and a man and his (completely consensual) air conditioner?

I never should have ordered my Chipotle "inside out roll"

The antonym of life affirming is dental work

If I die as a result of something heavy falling on me, someone make sure they write on my tombstone: "He just crushed a lot"