I can’t think of a greater indignity than to have Donald Trump speak at your funeral.

I guess about a month is all it takes to ruin a 249-year-old brand. Let’s hope this is more New Coke than Kodak.

Anything easily provable is ‘fake news’ or a hoax, but eating dogs, aborting newborns, taking your guns, weaponizing justice, and on and on, all true. Got it.

I am a cat-less child lady.

One problem with your plans for the rest of the night. Life is NOT a highway.

Freedom of religion is freedom from religion. So kindly, fuck off.

Some names I’d like to hear a lot less: J. Lo. Brittany Mahomes Donald Trump

I hate everything about licorice, including how it’s spelled.

There are far too many people recording themselves on the couch, waiting for an earthquake to strike.

Funny how none of these primaries have been “rigged.”

Looking to adopt a couple frozen embryos.

Happy junk-email Friday to those forced to celebrate.

If I knew I’d have to pull the hair from the shower drain, I might not have had children.

How is there no rapper, “Lil Floozie?”

The Dyson Airblade literally and figuratively blows.

I guess we’re just gonna go with co-conspirators as an actual word now?

Ban political yard signs. I should have to work a lot harder to know which of my neighbors are assholes.

I’m ready for my Father’s Day tributes, kids.