Come on Covid, do your magic. Take Putin.

I recently went to a beauty salon and wrote this. I can't be the only one here. Tell me your stories! ow.ly/s6gm50Czldq

My cats keep dumping lizards into my shoe. Yes that's right... CATS... I have two of those fuckers...

Cute animal videos are the porn for my broken soul and a testament to my incredible data plan.

Me in the morning: 'I don't care what anyone say..' 2 mins later... Still Me: 'Why does everyone hate me!'

Brisbane has 'Bris-Vegas'. Melbourne should have 'Mel-Boob'. Jokes done for the week!

One day, I am going to be that person who repeats every headline on the news to keep a conversation going.

My mum and I both show our love through actions. When she sent me some face masks from Singapore, I was moved. I was so moved, I sent her back the masks. Now she knows I love her.

When I say I tend to agree, what I really mean is I can see how no one agrees with your idea.

I think to achieve equality, women should start behaving and thinking more like men. We should start roasting each other on the size of our vaginas.

I think mormons should open a conversation with, “I am a local legend around here.” when you open your door to greet them.

It’s odd how similar constipation feels to being back to stage after 4 months of not performing.

Note to self when acting coach says to be more aggressive with a comb, it doesn’t mean you punch the comb.

Is any guy thinking this when they choose to grow a beard during lockdown, “I can’t grow my dick so I will grow my beard.” ?

I have been told that I have been saying zucchini wrong my whole life. I should stop calling it weird dick vegetable.

Work meetings are just a contest to see who can stay awake the longest.

Yes value is subjective. Subjective is also subjective, Sam.