@thirdbestdave

Formally Tired_Dad_of_2. Still all of those things. Back after a 2 year hiatus. Learned nothing in that time.

 Massachusetts, USA
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Joined July 2018
  • Tweets9.4K
  • Following651
  • Followers7.5K
932Media
PSA: (Parent Service Announcement) A warning to fellow parents: Alexa can make fart noises. My kids have recently learned this. It’s too late for me, but if your kids do not know this, then there is still hope for you. What’s the big deal, you ask? Let me tell you: 👇🏻
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Not to brag but my nephew just told me the pancakes I made were “actually pretty good”.
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How about a car with a clean button, like an oven.
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My main hobby at this point of my life is taking screenshots of cocktail recipes that I’m never going to make.
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After a 2-year hiatus, I’m changing my Tired_Dad_of_2 name and coming back to Twitter. I will be just mediocre as ever. Most likely worse. Definitely worse.
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In honour of my husband’s 40th birthday today, here’s the greatest parenting photo of all time #blessed
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other. I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
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Everything everywhere all at once is exactly how I’d describe life with kids.
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I challenge you to find a card as accurate as this
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My 6 year old doesn’t like the stick part of the fun dip and I just don’t know where I went wrong as a parent.
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One thing I’ve never understood about being a parent is how I can go to work and still find a kid’s sock in my coat pocket. Just one.
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My niece was sheltering in her dorm last night at MSU, listening to screams and gunshots. She was terrified and our family was helpless as she texted us updates. This should not be the norm. It should not be so unsurprising. We are screwed up and our children are paying for it.
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According to my 5 year old, a hot dog without the bread is just called a dog. Not a sausage - a dog. Apparently he told his school class he ate dog for dinner last night and it tasted amazing
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Welp, today is the last day that I know peace. The last day I hear the birds sing their lovely tune and the sky smiles her decadent shade of blue. Tomorrow the devil rains his fire upon me. Tomorrow, my 8 year old gets her recorder….
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LET'S GOOOOOOO!!!!
Henpecked Hal
@HenpeckedHal17 Jan 2023
My 22 year old cousin met his dream girl at a bar and it's going pretty well
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My 22 year old cousin met his dream girl at a bar and it's going pretty well
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Me: We’re still hip aren’t we? Hubs: I found my favorite screwdriver! Me: Hubs: Did you ask me something? Me: Never mind, I figured it out.
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If you’re wondering if kids are dramatic just know that 5, after being told he couldn’t have a popsicle after breakfast, just told me, “fine, then I’m never eating again…and if I don’t eat I’ll die!”
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The kids are begging for a pet, but like, we didn't even want their sister.
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I just found a chicken nugget in the shower, so don’t tell me having kids isn’t rewarding.
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No one is as full of shit as a 5 year old who wants a snack 30 minutes before dinner and promises they will still eat all of that dinner
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