♡vile♡

my problem area is every single fat cell on my body

every. single. moment. is ruined by my fat disgusting body and i hate it so much it's not even just the obvious stuff like being unable to wear clothes i want. no, even something as basic as walking down the street becomes depressing when i remember that i'm in this hideous body

sorry but "accepting my body" just isn't an option when i'm still this fat looool the only thing i'm accepting is the fact that i need to starve😊

planning meals is both stressful and exciting i want people to notice my weightloss but i don't i wanna eat healthy but i also wanna eat whatever if it fits into my intake i wanna low restrict n lose weight v fast but i also wanna high restrict n feel better while losing ?!?!

wanna reinvent myself in so many ways but i feel like: • most of them require being thin first • i don't deserve to self-improve in other ways until i am thin

anyone else have both "superficial"/appearance-based reasons for your ed AND deep/depressing reasons that came from years of self-hate, feeling overwhelmed by life, trauma, etc?? lmao like ya i wanna look tiny n ethereal in cute dresses but i also wanna starve n self-destruct💀💀

anything that reminds me of the fact that i have a body -- and thus a tangible, visible form that others are able to not only see and judge, but also come to associate with my name and personality -- is more or less guaranteed to be something i am quite uncomfortable with.