He has Driven!!

Your secret is safe with me because I wasn’t listening to you anyway

Me calling 1-877-Kars-4-Kids from prison because it’s the only number I know

Happy International Procrastination Day! We can celebrate next week

Waiting for the good commercials to come on

Naming a kid or a pet really makes you realize how many people you don’t like.

Someone just said “Chariots of Fire" is just dramatic “On Top of Spaghetti" and now I can’t unhear

What’s it called when a song gives you the ick? Mine is “It’s My Life” and I have no idea why.

There’s a trend saying the #1 song on your 10th birthday predicts your 2026… Mine is “How Will I Know.” Thanks, that clears things up.

Happy National “Rummage Through the Garbage Looking for the Missing Gift” Day to those who celebrate

There is a limited amazon promotion where if you type "thank your driver" into the search bar on the app, you will see an option to have Amazon tip the last person who delivered to you $5. It comes from Amazon, not you. It's not in big print, but it is there!

Blocking someone isn't enough I want them to get lice

Another week and this asshole shows up again

Absolutely not

I listen to accidental butt dials like I'm in an FBI van

If the last text you received were engraved on your tombstone, what would it say?

🎃🧡Did you know stopping by a nursing home on Halloween can make a huge impact? Positive social visits are linked to better emotional well-being in older adults — and kids love spreading the smiles. Reach out to your local nursing home to see if they’re participating! 🎃🧡

You ever get a text and think am I drunk reading this or are you drunk writing this ?

What’s something that feels illegal but isn’t?

I had no idea these were in my memory until now