Thank you @theweeknd for spending 1,134 minutes with me this year on @Spotify. You are my #1. #SpotifyWrapped open.spotify.com/artist/1Xyo…

I don’t wear gloves when I go out, I just dip my hands in red paint. It really helps keep me aware of what I touch, especially my face. It REALLY helps with social distancing, too.

I wish I could accurately describe the feeling of horror that washed through me as my 5-year-old, with a giant smile on his face, and his eyes aglow, said “Mom! I did SCIENCE!”

Man, I get bummed when there’s no “Strong Sexual Content” warning on an episode of Outlander...#Outlander

Wow. I’m really bad @twitter...

Drunken impulse shopping at Marshalls could be my moment of clarity.

Went to the roof to get some fresh air. Inhaled a bug. Now I can feel it wedged in the weird skin folds in my throat. So much for fresh air.

Otherwise totally normal dude + roller skates = big-time weirdo

Breakfast.

I created the best password, and I want to tell everyone what it is, thereby defeating the purpose of having a great password