On men and women, boundaries, and accountability for following rules: He's more likely to say "that's not allowed, because the rule said so." She's more likely to say "that doesn't feel right, so that's the rule." Men and women evaluate boundaries in roughly the same way, though women on average are more risk averse, worry they've done harm faster, and state their boundaries in terms of how that risk feels and the harm that might be caused to themselves or others. That higher risk and harm aversion also means, if he asks her to explain her rules - or take accountability for breaking a rule - and she tells him how she feels, she's still using the same logic he is, she's just reporting her feeling about it first. And she can still take accountability, once it feels right, and she feels safe to do so.

You don't want me to not have others. You don't even want that kind of control over me. You just want to be different from them. I want you to not have others. That's how we're different.

You like to challenge him. Not to take his power. Never that Just to tease it. To make him feel just a slight shift. Enough to feel his push back. That he's still in charge. Never too much.

"...i have not failed..."

Part of you says it's controlling and possessive and that should feel wrong. But it turns you on anyway. A man who wants to be part of every aspect of your life. Needing to be in charge. Needing and having authority over your life. Being your Master. You want to belong to him.

Dominance isn't "earned" because it's not a submissive's to grant. He just is, or he isn't. But dominance does need to be proven. How? Not through some big pompous display, but by showing up, consistently, every day, and being the same man, with the same rules.

Demure isn’t the same as submissive, and a lot of men get the two confused. Demure is a manner: quiet, modest, reserved - how you come across. Submissive is an orientation. Whether your attention is directed at him or only at yourself, and who makes the final decision when you and he want different things. A demure woman can be polite and soft-spoken, and still only decide things based on what’s in it for her. A submissive woman can be loud, funny, and a playful smart-ass, and still say “yes, Sir” and obey when he tells her to. Someone’s manner, you can see on a first date. Your orientation only shows itself when you want something different from what he wants.

A command you don’t follow through on isn’t always disobedience. Often, it can indicate a need not being met, and it’s important to go through those needs first before we conclude you’re misbehaving. If you want a Dominant who knows you and is able to meet your needs, these are conversations you have to agree to. They might be uncomfortable for both of you. The alternative is being punished for the wrong reasons, which nobody wants. Because I’m not in your body, I can’t know what you’re thinking or feeling, I only know what you tell me. Even that is just you interpreting yourself, but it’s the best we’ve got to know why you do what you do. So when you miss a command, we can go through it together to figure out why. Did you misunderstand what I actually asked for? If yes, I’ll happily clarify. Did you forget? If yes, we build you a system of reminders. Is it that you couldn’t do it as commanded? Then we work together to find you a different way. Did you not know why it mattered? I’ll explain it to you. Did a competing ‘master’ override my command in an area where you agreed to submit to my authority? My rule #1 is you can only have one master, and if other forces in your life are competing with my authority, that’s a problem we need to resolve. Did you disobey to get my attention? We acknowledge that’s what is happening, and find appropriate ways for you to get the attention you need. A punishment you enjoy is just more of the attention you wanted, so it's not a punishment. ...or did you not even try, or flat out refuse? Only not trying and refusing are actually misbehavior, because you’re not following through with your commitment to the dynamic that you agreed to. At that point, you will submit to the consequences you agreed to. If you didn’t try, or just refused, we no longer need to know why you didn’t do the thing. The consequence is for what you did, and it doesn’t need a why. If you refuse to talk through why you’re not obeying commands, we don’t have a dynamic. If we’ve talked through every need on this list and ruled them out, and you just didn’t try, or you simply refused, AND you still refuse the consequences you agreed to? We don’t have a dynamic.

When you’re given a command, some of you will do mental gymnastics trying to come up with a retort. That’s effort, work. Friction. Others will just obey. Because it’s easier, and it feels good. Even when obeying costs you the thing you want, doing it your way will cost more. It might even cost you the whole dynamic you wanted in the first place. Frictionless is always easier, for both of us.

Dominance is the uncompromising standards he holds himself to, plus the uncompromising rules you’ll be expected to hold yourself to, if you want to be his.

The trouble is, you don’t really want to follow someone else’s rules. But you also want to be with a man who has uncompromising standards, for himself and for you. You don’t have to like all his rules. You just have to admit you want to be with someone who has rules for you.

Nothing is as erotic as telling the truth, to someone who is interested and curious.

There are three big reasons why you shouldn't 'sub' to a married man. The first is that the fact he's already committed prevents you from opening yourself up to the potential hurt of commitment. You're going to end up holding yourself back from being completely vulnerable with him, because you know you can't have him. Maintaining a non-committed relationship might not be what you actually want. That emotional distance doesn't actually protect you, it just prevents you from connecting in the way you might need. The second reason you shouldn't sub to a married man is that part of why he looks so good to you is that another woman already chose him. You're not getting to know him yourself, you're letting someone else's evaluation short-cut the work of connecting. He might not be as compatible with you as he appears to be with her. The third reason you shouldn't sub to a married man is that he will always prioritize his married partner. When what she needs and what you need collide, you lose. More of your time with him might be spent in bed, but you'll get less of everything else.

I like following her around sometimes. In some store or club or whatever, where nothing is happening that I really want to control, and she’s just flitting around like a little butterfly going from thing to thing, whatever catches her interest. See, control only matters on the things I want to control. Sometimes I enjoy just watching her giddy with excitement at all the flashy things.

Not one single person who participated in this survey offered an answer to the second question: if you don't like punishment, how do you intend to get yourself to behave?

Real submission happens before you acknowledge it’s happened. You mess up a lot trying to do things your own way, then you learn to trust your Dominant, and your life gets better. You feel his love, and also learn that you can’t walk all over him. He gets upset when you’re difficult, and you learn to recognize that upsetting him only causes more problems, it doesn’t solve them. After a while, you realize you have no choice but to acknowledge you submit... because you’ve already been doing it.

Things I no longer agree with: a dominant’s judgment is necessarily superior to a submissive’s. Plenty of times over the years I’ve learned things from my submissives. Plenty of times I’ve been wrong, and they’ve been right. Plenty of times they are expert in areas I’m not. The goal of a dynamic should be for the pair of you to be ‘right’ as often as possible, not to rely on one of you being more-right more often. I’m in charge because I want to be, not because I’m right more often. You follow me because you want to, not because I’m right more often. We both agree my judgment is the ‘tie-breaker’ because that’s how we want it, not because my judgment is superior to yours.