@texxtyle

Funny observations from a guy who’s actually lived a little. Business owner. Real estate investor. Florida.

 Tarpon Springs, FL
Joined May 2012
  • Tweets44.2K
  • Following7.4K
  • Followers8.7K
3.7KMedia
The microwave hitting 0:01 and me opening the door before it beeps is the closest I get to defusing a bomb.
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Nothing makes me clean my car faster than someone saying “I’ll ride with you.” Suddenly I’m explaining every object like it’s evidence.
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Every group photo has one person who decided it was good enough for everyone because they looked good.
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I’ll press “remind me tomorrow” on a software update like tomorrow’s version of me is a completely different man.
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Nothing makes me defend an object harder than my wife suggesting we throw it away. I haven’t used it since 2011 but suddenly I have plans.
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A website telling me my password is weak while its entire security system depends on me identifying a bicycle is pretty rich.
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I can watch a three-hour movie but a video message from a friend being 2:46 feels like a hostage situation.
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The guy who fixed my exact problem on YouTube 11 years ago has done more for me than most people I actually know.
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Nothing turns me into a conspiracy theorist faster than a printer saying there’s no paper when I can see the fucking paper.
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My favorite part of a tutorial is when the guy says “yours should look like this” and mine absolutely fucking does not.
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I’ll ignore a phone call and then sit perfectly still until it stops ringing like they can hear me.
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One day all of this will be yours. And no, you can’t throw it away either.
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The person who writes “easy assembly” should have to sit in the room while I do it.
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You ever let someone merge in front of you and spend the next ten minutes regretting the person you chose to be?
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I don’t need a smart fridge. I need one that says “you already have mustard” while I’m at the store.
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I always think I can tell which way a fitted sheet goes. Four corners later I’m back where I started, but angrier.
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You ever read a one-star review and halfway through realize you’re on the employee’s side?
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Every time I use scissors to open a new pair of scissors I wonder how the first family got started.
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I don’t trust a sneeze that goes away. Where did it go and what is it planning.
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When someone shows me a photo on their phone, I spend the first five seconds looking at my own reflection pretending I can see it.
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I hate when someone I don’t like makes a good point. Now I have to sit here agreeing with this asshole.
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