swollenvoice

Look, I know you're trying your best, but that what's really disappointing me.

Sometimes I snore so loudly that I scare everyone in the car with me when I’m driving.

Marked safe from voting in a broken system.

My mood today was a bit sour. Someone asked me a question and I replied, did it hurt... when you fell out of someone's asshole and hit the water? You piece of shit.

Incase you're feeling old, the music you lost your virginity to is helping someone pick out a rotisserie chicken at King Soopers today.

Clocks go back this weekend. I'm hopeful they go back to when life was affordable and people weren't stupid.

Her: You should ask me out. Me: Ask you out of what? Her: These pants for starters. Me: Did you soil your pants? Her: You're really bad at this. Me: At least I didn't shit my pants!

I went to the DMV last week. While I was there, I heard someone say, “Since my driver’s license expired, don’t touch my fuckin’ organs.” I couldn’t agree more.

Just saw a homeless man arguing with his shadow, you know what that means? Six more weeks of poor economic growth.

Getting older means your arm has to be in just the right position when you go to bed if you want to use it the next day.

Colorado is a state that I pay taxes on roads that could knock a tampon out of a nun.

I don't know why I got you so upset. All I said was, if alter boys could get pregnant than the Catholic Church would support abortion.

Signs a woman likes you 1. Eye contact 2. Twirls her hair 3. Laughs at you jokes 4. Keys your car 5. Kills you

I am not above slashing my own tires to avoid a family function.

Politician's are out and about.

Fuck you alcohol free mouthwash. My life is depressing enough.