Apparently there’s a correct way for a woman my age to behave on the internet, and I’m doing absolutely none of it. Fucking hell. The amount of rules I’ve apparently broken this week. If I post a selfie, I’m desperate for male attention. If I say I’m happily single, I’m bitter because no man wants me. If I joke about finding a husband, I’m lonely. If I say I don’t want one, I’m going to die alone surrounded by cats. Then there’s my age. Apparently at 58 I’m too old to take selfies and to post them on social media, too old to talk about sex and definitely too old to swear. What exactly am I supposed to do? Sit in an armchair knitting cardigans until I die? Someone tells me they don’t like the swearing and they are unfollowing me, because it makes me vulgar, uneducated and unsuitable for giving nutritional advice. I’ve spent years studying nutrition and human physiology, but apparently saying fuck invalidates the lot. Then there’s the food. Eat steak, eggs and butter and I’m going to have a heart attack. Don’t eat vegetables and I’ll get scurvy. Don’t eat carbohydrates and my brain will stop working. Considering how many people keep telling me I haven’t got a brain, I’m surprised they’re so concerned about me feeding it. Everybody wants you to be yourself, provided it’s the version of yourself they’ve decided is acceptable. Be confident, but don’t show off. Be independent, but don’t upset men. Look attractive, but don’t seek attention. Have opinions, but don’t offend anybody. And whatever you do, don’t be a woman over 50 who actually enjoys herself. I used to worry about what other people think but not any more. I’ll post my selfies, eat my steak, swear when I feel like it, enjoy being single and wear whatever the fuck I like. I’m nearly 59 years old. How much longer am I supposed to wait before I’m allowed to be myself?