Have fun getting fishy fingers in the stingray touch tank, losers, I'm just here to scope the belugas (turning and gazing into the soulful eyes of a moray eel for the first time) My God

As I wander group-to-group at this party, my mystical orb conveys insights that guide me in how best to navigate the social landscape. "This person is ignorant of portals", "This person has middling interest in portals", "This person cares not for portals"

My fantasy world has three stimulant drugs: Speed of Body, Speed of Mind, and Speed of Heart. There is however only one depressant, and that is Beer

(coworker mentions a restaurant) Oh! Yeah, I've been there. I was trapped in there for eight months. The nights were cold and the days got so hot. Ambience was incredible. A few weeks in I had to eat the other guy

When faced with a surprising situation, I like to ask myself the "Five Whats": 1. What? 2. What happened? 3. What is this? 4. What does this mean? 5. What's going on?

Seems everyone's very interested in emails these days, yet signups for my personal newsletter remain characteristically low

Denying all responsibility for my actions by claiming to be an emanation of Avalokiteśvawrong, the Bodhisattva of Attachment, who's vowed to liberate all sentient beings by demonstrating the dangers of living in total opposition to the Dharma

Starting a psychotherapy practice and diagnosing every client with "insufficient awe"

I switched my phone to grayscale but it's only become more addictive, it feels like I'm reading a newspaper, something in my brain must understand that this is an appropriate thing for a man in his thirties to do

Heard about this new trend called trapped in a room posting where you post about the little room you're trapped in and all the little puzzles you have to solve to get out! My room is featureless with gray walls and I don't know how I got here

Let me show you all my favorite traffic lights around here. I love making U-turns at this one. That one's so long, you usually have time to get a few origami cranes in order. My record is four origami cranes

(grading papers at witch school) Interesting hex, but it's incomplete. You've increased the subject's perspiratory rate and done nothing to their thirst response. Hex nullified by the body's homeostatic mechanism. Embarrassing

The opposite of love is not hate, it's "decherishment", a type of disposition I've theorized where you impair the loving capacity of the creatures around you

Ten days in the pit have taught me more than ten years outside. For instance, I've learned help, help me, get me out of here, is there anyone out there, please send help

At times like these, when society glorifies intimidation and tricks, it's important to keep in mind the Three Compassions: holding funerals for the dead, collecting lustrous baubles, solving water displacement puzzles with the competence of a seven-year-old

In the subterranean hollow I call home, there rages an age-old conflict between the lizards and the rats. The rats claim me because of our shared mammalian ancestry. The lizards claim me because I have, against my family's counsel, made a seemly lizard my wife

As part of my commitment to seek out and explore new worlds, I pledge to dump hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of tons of sludge into the river to simulate a sort of "World Without Kindness"

Barkeep. Excellent drinks tonight. The bulk of my meager band are pleased. However, my closest friend, Gazelle-Hearted Mendicant Who Drinks from the River, wants for something of a more riverly quality