smartasswaitress

thank you..it was a tough week...

What is it about spring that makes people turn into assholes?

Last time you were in you had a five minute rant on the speed of your $5 special ...what makes you think I want you in my section now?

If you do not know how to behave in a public place such as a restaurant... Please stay home and eat Campbell's Soup ... we'd appreciate it

You know ... if you say you are never coming back to this restaurant... can you just stick to that resolution?

Congratulations! You are the biggest douchebag of the day ... as your award you get an extra 15% added to your bill... and don't come back

Sir if you don't understand that your drink comes out in the order it was received.. And not the fact that you are the biggest asshole ...

The day when you have to put your pet down... And your customer calls you out on not being perky enough #postalwaitress

A whiskey sour and make it a stiff one. A double, sir? No, stiff. Why don't you just say you want extra alcohol free of charge then, sir?

*take water to table* Can I have a straw? *return with straw* and a lemon? *return with lemon* she wants a lemon too. *return with gun*

suddenly noticed I'm the only one on the floor...wtf? how is it possible 5 people all need a smoke break AT THE SAME TIME? #seriously?

there are nights everything flows as smooth as chocolate syrup. then there's nights like tonight. #sigh.

of all the people in the world who are so horrible they'll burn in hell (hitler, amin, hussein) i firmly believe our head cook is going down

of course I'm fluent in sarcasm. I'm a waitress.

sometimes i wish we could give customers tips based on THEIR performance.

To the gentleman who handed me his grandchild and said you watch him while we eat. #ainthappening #workinggirl

i love when a customer sees the "please wait to be seated" sign and breezes by. I wait til they sit and then say oh no! that one's reserved!

well no, it's not ok that you bring in a chocolate cake for grandma's birthday. Oh, you're willing to give me a piece? Let's party.

of course I have toys, colors, coloring books, sippy cups and sporks for your child. Seeing as how you didn't bring a single thing with you.

you said it was your b'day when you came in, when you sat, when i brought your drinks & when you ordered. You want a free dessert. I get it.