I'm a satirist, a humorist, and the world's funniest redfish. I write for the https://xitter.cf/t.co/YzOksGDnOw & The https://xitter.cf/t.co/YsJb6MCDCQ. Follow me, I follow back.
California, USA
Joined March 2018
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Your mom told you not to lick the 9-volt battery. She said nothing about the other 118 things on the periodic table.
All 118 elements, rated by lickability.
#Satire #Science #Chemistry #PeriodicTable #STEM #Funny
Pick an element and find out what happened to the person who licked it: fazzler.com/can-i-lick-it-a-…
Decision desk calls it: Hasan Piker defeats Trump by 22. Neither man was on a ballot. White House demands recount of all 50 states that didn't list him. #Satire #Midterms2026 #ElectionNight #Trump #HasanPiker
Archaeologists tore up a California CVS parking lot with an excavator and found another CVS underneath it, from the 1920s. CVS paid for the dig. The lead archaeologist says chain stores are native to the area and grow back on their own. #Satire #CVS #Archaeology #AncientAliens
broadstreetbeacon.com/nevada…
The guy who's been coming in stoned for thirty years says the only real change is the Gatorade.
Guy in a Julia Child costume read ONE headline, skipped the article, dried the beef with a hair dryer and still put 7 neighbors in the ER. The pearls were in the first paragraph. #Satire #JuliaChild #FoodNetwork #DinnerParty #Cooking #California
broadstreetbeacon.com/second…
Up here it's usually a Jerry Garcia, and it's usually the beard.
High on heroin, a guy shoots himself in the foot on California's tallest bridge, juggling a gas station burrito, and goes over the rail. 730 feet. Lands on a pile of dumped Tempur-Pedics. Now he doesn't want to die anymore. Luck is wasted on the wrong people.
#DarwinAwards #California #ForesthillBridge #MemoryFoam #Tempurpedic #Satire
Wilco stopped at a Nevada City, CA steakhouse for lunch. The owners renamed it The Wilco. Town answered with an I Hate Wilco flea market. Then someone told them Jay Bennett got fired, so they switched back. Two decades late. @Wilco #Wilco #JeffTweedy #YankeeHotelFoxtrot #Satire
Full story: broadstreetbeacon.com/local-…
The owners have asked that nobody play Jesus, Etc. in the parking lot.
A traveling Chemtrail Film Festival opens in California this March. MTG narrates. RFK Jr. sends a video of himself pointing at a contrail for four minutes. Florida banned the fog machine as weather modification. #Chemtrails #Geoengineering #MAHA #RFKJr #MTG #Satire
Full story: broadstreetbeacon.com/chemtr… The innkeepers have asked guests not to spray vinegar on the ceilings.
Archaeologists dug under a 1920s swimming lake in Northern California and found a CVS. Fully stocked. Everything locked behind plastic. A 341-foot receipt for one tin of Bag Balm. The pharmacist will be back in 15 minutes. It's been 102 years. #CVS #CVSReceipt #Archaeology #AncientHistory #Nostalgia #Satire
Full story: broadstreetbeacon.com/archae…
Some of the coupons haven't expired yet. The team has stopped asking.
Elon Musk spent $500 million investigating Democrats and found the scheme: they're asking people to vote for them. Door to door. In person. His team says the carpools lead to a church. Grok agreed, then said some other stuff. #ElonMusk #ElectionInterference #Midterms2026 #DOGE #Grok #SuperPAC #Satire
