her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

[first day as a cashier] customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

[putting on wedding dress] me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

me: I need to see the doctor receptionist: ok, name? me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

me: don’t take this wrong way but you smell like my wife bank teller: is that her stocking on your head

[opening birthday cards] me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these walmart clerk: put those back

[scene of wreck] cop: do you want an ambulance me: no I'll probably just buy another car

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse doctor: he probably has a wide ureth- *loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

[after failing all three parts of field sobriety test] cop: ok put your hands behind your back me: if I can do this one will I pass

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately doctor: can you give me an example me: of what

me: can I be cured deli clerk: no

me: I’m getting really tired of your back talk mister orthopedic specialist: ok but you need surgery

if you can walk into a waffle house without stepping on a cigarette butt in the parking lot your meal is free

[first day as a waiter] me: do you have any questions customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

[restaurant] waiter: ok I’ll go ahead and get started on those appetizers me: hang on we ordered those for us