Dear MAGA, since you’re so damned dumb & clogging up the grocery store, here’s a list of halal foods for you to stop buying and be afraid of: Water Sparkling water Mineral water Ice Tea Coffee Herbal tea Fruit juice Vegetable juice Milk Buttermilk Plain yogurt Kefir Fresh fruit Apples Bananas Oranges Lemons Limes Grapefruit Pineapple Mango Papaya Watermelon Cantaloupe Honeydew Peaches Pears Plums Nectarines Cherries Strawberries Blueberries Blackberries Raspberries Cranberries Grapes Kiwi Pomegranate Figs Dates Apricots Coconut Avocado Raisins Prunes Dried apricots Dried cranberries Fresh vegetables Lettuce Spinach Kale Arugula Cabbage Brussels sprouts Broccoli Cauliflower Asparagus Green beans Peas Carrots Celery Cucumbers Tomatoes Bell peppers Hot peppers Eggplant Zucchini Squash Pumpkin Corn Potatoes Sweet potatoes Onions Garlic Shallots Leeks Radishes Beets Turnips Parsnips Mushrooms Olives Seaweed Rice Brown rice Wild rice Oats Barley Wheat Cornmeal Polenta Quinoa Buckwheat Millet Sorghum Couscous Flour Cornstarch Breadcrumbs, if made from permissible ingredients Bread, if made without prohibited ingredients Pasta, if made without prohibited ingredients Noodles Rice noodles Tortillas Pita bread Nuts Almonds Walnuts Pecans Pistachios Cashews Hazelnuts Macadamia nuts Brazil nuts Peanuts Pine nuts Sunflower seeds Pumpkin seeds Sesame seeds Chia seeds Flax seeds Hemp seeds Peanut butter Almond butter Tahini Beans Black beans Kidney beans Pinto beans Navy beans Cannellini beans Chickpeas Lentils Split peas Soybeans Tofu Tempeh Hummus Falafel Guacamole Olive oil Avocado oil Canola oil Vegetable oil Sunflower oil Safflower oil Coconut oil Sesame oil Corn oil Peanut oil Vinegar White vinegar Apple cider vinegar Rice vinegar Red wine vinegar, provided it contains no prohibited alcohol residue/additives Balsamic vinegar Salt Black pepper Sugar Brown sugar Powdered sugar Honey Maple syrup Molasses Agave Herbs Basil Parsley Cilantro Mint Rosemary Thyme Oregano Sage Dill Chives Tarragon Spices Paprika Cumin Coriander Turmeric Cinnamon Nutmeg Cloves Cardamom Ginger Saffron Vanilla, when alcohol-free or appropriately processed Cocoa Cacao Unsweetened chocolate Dark chocolate, when made without prohibited ingredients Jam Jelly Marmalade Pickles Sauerkraut Kimchi, provided it contains no prohibited ingredients Popcorn Plain potato chips Rice cakes Granola, when made without prohibited ingredients

A PSA: do NOT download the White House app. It is doing something very weird with the sandbox permissions you give it. Which I’m not sure yet, but is likely against every service term and developer agreement on earth. I downloaded it so you don’t have to onto an air gapped old iPad. It is phoning home, asking for way too much personal data, and attempting to bypass location services permissions. Aside from the propaganda, it’s a security nightmare.

Jesus tap dancing Christ… these are not real, it is water condensation from aircraft at high altitudes because it’s really fucking cold at 30,000FT, and this piece of soggy batter fried chicken is…. You know what? Fuck it, let’s get margaritas and jump off a bridge with an umbrella and research flight while we’re at it, you melted piece of butterscotch. Good lord.