♍ Virgo: Astral forces recommend you scratch your back on a doorframe in a public building and call it intermittent foraging. And yes, a seagull will treat it as a personal invitation. #horoscope #Virgo #today

♌ Leo: By noon, the Department has initiated proceedings, citing an improperly filed intention you forgot you had. And then, your joints will crack in the rhythm of a popular song you hate and you will hum it forever. #horoscope #Leo #today

♋ Cancer: Today you will have to bite a pig on the ass. Don't be surprised if today you may turn from a normal person into something like Baskov, a pop star, who wants beer. #horoscope #Cancer #today

♊ Gemini: Today you may pass through chairs and jump from the fifth floor; the evening promises bear urine, a rhinoceros, and a pigeon. Be prepared for the fact that a documentary crew will arrive exactly too late. #horoscope #Gemini #today

♉ Taurus: Today you could become a kettle that sings when it boils. The stars confirm that the process cannot be reversed by conventional means. #horoscope #Taurus #today

♈ Aries: Tonight you may turn into a dark gray crocodile and eat Yeltsin. The stars note that do not be afraid to try to lick your elbow and fail publicly. #horoscope #Aries #today

♓ Pisces: Celestial alignment demands that you eat food from between your teeth and call it a snack and call it recycling. The stars warn that someone will film it for unclear reasons. #horoscope #Pisces #today

♒ Aquarius: Astrologers confirm that you will drink milk from the carton with your mouth open and your roommate will hear you. #horoscope #Aquarius #today

♑ Capricorn: The stars recommend you shout your landlord's name into an empty bucket until you faint. Astrologers reckon that today you may turn into a sad chandelier and flicker at the ceiling. #horoscope #Capricorn #today

♐ Sagittarius: The stars note that you will poop in the woods and use a sock as toilet paper and wear the sock home. This explains why you've been cited for an overdue permit for feeling this specific way. #horoscope #Sagittarius #today

♏ Scorpio: By evening, you'll find that the Bureau of Records has confirmed that your appeal was received and also denied before it was sent. And you have the nerve to call other animals stupid. #horoscope #Scorpio #today

♎ Libra: Before midnight, you will sit on a toilet and find it's already occupied by a centipede and you will negotiate. And then, you will lay an egg and not know what to do with it so you'll bring it to work. #horoscope #Libra #today

♍ Virgo: First thing tomorrow, the Commission has noted a discrepancy you are not permitted to correct. Watch out - your feet will become hands and you will walk on fingers and nobody will know what to say. #horoscope #Virgo #today

♌ Leo: Today you can eat a kilogram of toilet paper to gain wisdom. The stars confirm that this will resurface at an inopportune family gathering. #horoscope #Leo #today

♋ Cancer: Astrologers reckon that a pigeon with authority will attempt to adopt you in the cereal aisle. The stars confirm that you will hesitate for longer than appropriate and proceed anyway. #horoscope #Cancer #today

♊ Gemini: First thing tomorrow, a raccoon will go through your trash and hold up an item and judge you with its eyes. #horoscope #Gemini #today

♉ Taurus: By noon, a cockroach will fall from the ceiling onto your plate at a restaurant and you will pick up the check anyway. Which means your politeness was a form of exhaustion you mistook for character. #horoscope #Taurus #today

♈ Aries: Do not be afraid to try to lick your elbow and fail publicly. This explains why it is recommended that you water your houseplants with pickle juice and see who blinks first. #horoscope #Aries #today

♓ Pisces: You may be bitten by a pug right in the belly button. This explains why it is recommended that you put a herring in your hat and greet every stranger with your face. #horoscope #Pisces #today

♒ Aquarius: The stars advise you to wear a colander on your head so the cosmos cannot read your thoughts. Naturally, do not be afraid to sit in the bathtub fully clothed and think about your choices. #horoscope #Aquarius #today