Pretend Blonde

There is a woman in the bar I'm at double fisting tequila sunrises and singing "Fight Song" at the top of her lungs. Living her best life.

HEY @FuckJerry YOU STOLE MY JOKE

want a new playlist? Of course you fucking do. Go to my instagram, skanks. @pretendblonde

Just saw a guy at Safeway buying tampons. Baby diapers and two handles of vodka. I feel for you dude.

I think we can all agree the real winner of tonight was marijuana #VMAs

Kim K looks like a walking penis with large pockets. #VMAs @betchesluvthis

It's @chrissyteigen's world, we're all just living in it.

Someone needs to invent wine flavored coffee ASAP.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

can it be Whine and Wine Wednesday? Where I can drink wine and bitch about my life?

Don't lie. We all know you spell it "wed-nes-day"

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, blink, Monday...

I imagine hell is a lot like a hangover on a Saturday morning.

All the other days of the week: flying by so fast, you can't see me!!! Friday: I think I'm just going to take a break and rest.

Anyone who says "good morning" is full of shit. It's never a good morning. EVER

Cindy has NO CHILL instagram.com/p/6WdzgMRzeP/

It's all fun and games until someone gets punched in the boob.