@pilau

I don’t know what I’m talking about

Joined August 2018
  • Tweets79K
  • Following873
  • Followers28.8K
6.1KMedia
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out me: [turning around] who Medusa: hey friend: I said don’t look statue:
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tom@pilau29 Jun 2019
Professor X: what’s your super power? Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
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tom@pilau7 Oct 2020
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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tom@pilau27 Mar 2020
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday me: WHEN IS THAT
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tom@pilau15 Oct 2020
Prince Charming: I must find the owner of this glass slipper King: what does she look like? Prince Charming: girl
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tom@pilau25 Sep 2020
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but teach him how to make pasta and he’ll eat for like a week that’s way too much pasta Greg
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tom@pilau16 Oct 2020
[if I was in horror movies, a thread] jock: let’s split up me: no
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tom@pilau9 Jul 2020
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists wife: she’s three me: I don’t care how many she is
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tom@pilau22 May 2020
wife: our beautiful baby girl me: she’s got your eyes wife: and your nose Gimili: and my axe
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tom@pilau14 Aug 2020
I wish my bed was as comfortable when I try to sleep as it is when my alarm goes off
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tom@pilau24 Jul 2020
A woman's place is in the kitchen, so she can taste this delicious carbonara I am making
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tom@pilau26 Sep 2020
interviewer: why do you want this job me: I need money to buy food
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tom@pilau16 Aug 2020
yeah I’m great in bed I’ve been here for 12 hours
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Mix it up this weekend by staring into a different part of the void
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anyone: I hope this email finds you well me: question is [cocking gun] how did it find me
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son: why can’t I have a birthday party me: I mean we could have one [ruffles his hair] but it might kill grandma
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Monopoly but you can’t afford to buy a house and the taxes keep going up and all the Chance cards are bills and if you pass Go you just do the same shit over and over again
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Aladdin: I can show you the world Jasmine: :) Aladdin: [points at globe] this is Spain
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[first day as doctor] me: hahaha patient: why’re you laughing me: did it help? patient: no me: [crossing out notes] not the best medicine
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The secret to a long life is not dying early
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My favourite lockdown activity is looking at all the amazing things other people have achieved and wondering why I’m so lazy
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Another thing I enjoy is planning what to do tomorrow and not doing it
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